Undying Pie 2
by ArcBus
Summary: What do you get when the FFVII world is messed up so that Cloud's... The bad guy? And Seph is the... Hero? WTF! CleriSeph love triangle? YES! Random humor and cameos from other FFs? Most likely! R&R y'all! [This fic isn't meant to be serious!] [COMPLETE!]
1. The Way The Cloud Spirit Cookie Crumbles

**UNDYING PIE 2**

_No. No, your eyes are not deceiving you. The sequel to Undying Pie is here! _

_As the WRH fics are all adjacent, I decided I would write Undying Pie 2 adjacent to my current FFVIII story: Squall And Rinoa Try To Implode Zell's Room! _

_So, where did we leave off? Well, the Sephiroth Fan Club kidnapped Aeris and tied her to a lightning rod tower in the middle of the Undying Storm! As you know, Sephiroth came and saved Aeris. As they were leaving, though, the Professors Hojo, Weetos, Odine, Ross and Frink were having a Jenova-specimen creation session with Cloud's corpse, which backfired and sent little Cloud-ness all around Midgar. OH GOD! THAT CANNOT BE GOOD! _

_New spelling of Barret! ONE T!_

_Anyway... TTFN!_

_DISCLAIMER: I don't own FF. Live with it._

**DEDICATED TO THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE WHO LEFT KIND REVIEWS FOR UNDYING PIE 1: **

_**BrokenAngel13 (Whenever Tidus speaks, hammer the mute button!)**_

_**Tishannia (Luff him? We ALL luff Yazoo!)**_

_**Tinoa Garuna (The Leopluradon rocks her world! This is the other half of the Auron dedication. You get 2! YAY!)**_

_**Killer Chocobo (THEY DON'T EAT ANY CHOCOLATE!)**_

**_Phoenix Helix (Who reminds us that 'ix' is still a great suffix!)_**

_**Subtle Illusions ('But I'm supposed to make you suffer!')**_

_**Indigo Angel (ANGELS ARE ASKING ME QUESTIONS! I am still in lé SHOCKE!)**_

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**CHAPTER ONE - THE WAY THE CLOUD-SPIRIT COOKIE CRUMBLES**

When we left off, Aeris and Sephiroth were leaving the Shinra HQ after having an argument leading to Aeris living for about 10 minutes with the SHM in a tent at the save point in the back yard, until she got kidnapped by the Sephiroth Fan Club who threatened to kill her by harnessing the power of a lightning rod tower in the Undying Storm and shocking her with it; their plan was fortunately foiled, but then a debate of Professors using Cloud's corpse as a Jenova specimen created an explosion and THAT'S where we left off! Longest sentence ever! XD

So, they were... ... ...

...FALLING! THE BUILDING WAS COLLAPSING! ARGH!

Now, I know Aeris and Sephiroth are invincible for numerous humorous (hahah that rhymes!) reasons, but STILL - COLLAPSING BUILDING!

So, what did they do? Well, thinking pretty quickly, Sephiroth grabbed Aeris and JUMPED OUT OF THE WINDOW! ARGH! Like... 60 something'th floor! But, it's okay! We all know he can fly! Yuna can't fly, but hell, Sephiroth CAN! He whipped out the one wing and hovered down AAAALLLLLLL the way to saftey! YAY!

"Phewf..." Aeris said. "Well, looks like the storm's stopped. And it was UNDYING!"

"Yeah, but this doesn't really make much sense... Why did the building suddenly collapse? And what about that weird noise you heard?" Sephiroth asked.

"Hey, look! It's Vincent!" She replied, pointing. "Maybe HE knows!"

Because, let's face it, Vincent knows ALOT.

"Hey! Hey! Vincent!" She yelled, waving.

Vincent walked slowly up to them. I feel sorry for Vincent because I only mentioned him in the last Undying Pie, I didn't put him in, so here he is! In the FIRST chapter!

"Vincent...?" Aeris said slowly. "A-Are you alright? You have such a strange look on your face..."

"The moon!" Vincent panicked. "HE'S CHASING ME!"

He directed his claw to point at the big moon in the sky.

"EVERYWHERE I GO, THERE HE IS!" He shouted.

Aeris and Sephiroth stood still, blinking at him.

"KNOCK IT OFF, MOON!"

The claw then became a shaking fist.

"I'm coming UP THERE!"

Then, he ran off screaming his head off.

"Oookkkaaayyy... What just happened?" Sephiroth asked.

"I have NO idea." Aeris said, with that gormless Anime face.

"Let's just go back home."

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Back at home... Ahem... Nothing of GREAT interest was going on. So, let's go to the next morning! FAST-FORWARD! CAN I GET A RRREEEEEEEEEWIND?

Ahem... No... I wanted a FAST-FORWARD!

The doorbell rang! HURRAH!

"I'll get it..." Sephiroth said, since he was stood... RIGHT NEXT to the door! RIGHT NEXT TO IT! Why? I dunno! We'll never know what goes on in his mind. He has been traumatised due to his horrible past and Aeris leaving him and the realisation that he put panties next to his face... Urgh.

He opened it, and Tifa was trod there! YAY! But she wasn't all Gothic... She was... Normal...

"Candy bars..." She mumbled.

"What?" He asked.

"Hmm...? Oh, nothing. I'm just here to say YOU NEED TO SEE THIS - NOW!"

Aeris poked her head around the door.

"Uh, I overheard..." She said slowly, inferring 'HOW COULD I NOT HEAR?'

"You have to come RIGHT now!" Tifa said.

So, they followed Tifa to...

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...THE 7TH HEAVEN! YAY!

"You see..." Tifa explained once they were inside. "Everything's gone weird since the storm yesterday, and, well, guess who got revived in the process..."

Cloud suddenly jumped down from nowhere, like he was Vincent, but we all know he isn't.

"Hey, Aeris!" He said. "Hey Sep-- OMGZORZ! IT'S SEPHIROTH! ATTTAAACCCCKKKKK!"

He launched an attack at Sephiroth, but he just moved out of the way and allowed that silly Cloudo to crash into the wall!

"OWCH!"

"So, why're you alive, Cloud?" Aeris asked. But that's sure the pot calling the kettle black... She's one to talk... AHEM... WHATEVER!

"Oh, me?" Cloud asked, springing right back out of the wall. "I'm not! This body's just a spirit body!"

"What do you mean 'spirit'?"

"Well, I guess I'm just a collection of my thoughts stuck back together. Like Tidus!"

"Oh..."

"Who's Tidus?" Sephiroth asked.

"Uh, it's not important..." Cloud replied. "So, anyways, why are you guys hanging around together? Seems a bit weird. If this wasn't AU then--"

"Uh...Hehehe...! Cloud!" Tifa said. "THAT'S not important! Why don't we just--"

"HE MARRIED HER!" Elmyra yelled, flying through the window in suicidal mode. Fortunately (but unfortunately for her), Barret had put that 'Invincible'ness on her before she did so, and she was unscarred.

"AERIS? IS THIS CRAZY FLYING MOTHER OF YOUR'S SPEAKING THE TRUTH?" Cloud exclaimed.

Aeris reluctantly nodded. Sephiroth shifted uneasily.

"Excuse me..." Cloud said, and then... Walked slowly into the bathroom and puked into the toilet.

Tifa shut the bathroom door to silence the puking noises... Slightly.

"Well, anyway, since Cloud came back, everything in Midgar has adjusted to his mind! I'm back to normal, see?" She said, and if you're bothered she was in her AC gear.

"Really? Everything?" Aeris asked. "So, how come Sephiroth and I aren't affected?"

"Hmm... That's a good question... Barret and Elmyra seem... Umm... Normal, too!"

Elmyra stood up, and dusted herself off.

"Well, that's because we were outside Midgar!" She said. "We weren't affected!"

"But we were in the range..." Aeris said, looking slightly puzzled.

"What if we weren't?" Sephiroth suggested, since he figured they... Weren't... "It might have occurred in the Shinra building, whilst we were above the level it what ever was going on was... Going on..."

"Actually... That makes sense." She said, since... IT DID, OKAY?

"That's not all, though." Tifa continued. "Cloud's beginning to talk about taking over the world!"

Everyone paused... ... ...

"...Well, he IS!" Tifa yelled with her hand son her hips.

Suddenly, Barret ran in.

"GIT OUT HERE, FOOLS!" He shouted. "CLOUD'S RUNNIN' AROUND LIKE A SPIKEY PSYCHOPATH!"

"But, he's in the..." Tifa said, opening the bathroom door to only see there was no one in there and the window was wide open. "...Bathroom..."

So, they all ran outside. Who was running around like a maniac but... ...NO ONE!

"Huh? Where the hell's Cloud gone?" Barret yelled.

"We've gotta split up and look for him!" Exclaimed Tifa, worried about the consequences of letting the undead spirit of Cloud run around all of Midgar trying to find a way to take over the world. "Let's use the PHS to call the others!"

The OTHERS! GASP! NO! THEY TOOK THE CHILDREN! DHARMA! 4, 8, 16, AND ALL THOSE OTHER CRAZY LOST... ...THINGS!

No, the others meant Red XIII, Cait Sith, Cid, Vincent and Yuffie. Who were all in range! EEPS!

They came quickly. The PHS works like that. WOOHOOZORZ!

"I like tigers..." Red said quietly.

"What?" Everyone else asked.

"Nothing." He replied. "Anyway, we need to find Cloud, or, at least, that's what you told me, Tifa. You have a tendency to lie."

"No I don't!" Said Tifa angrily.

"Jes shuttup and pay attention!" Barret roared.

Everyone was silent.

"Okay, let's sort the teams." He said. "Tifa and Cait Sith, you look around Sectors 6, 7 and 8."

"Right." Tifa said, and then she grabbed Cait Sith and ran off to search.

"Cid and Elm-- Hey, where'd Elmyra go?"

Everyone looked around. She had just plain WALKED OFF! ARGH!

"O...Kay... Cid and Yuffie, you look in Sectors 3, 4 and 5."

"Oh JOY! Let's go, Uncle Cid!" Yuffie said, jumping around.

"$£&..." Cid mumbled, and then followed her off towards Sectors 3, 4 and 5.

"Red, you can go with Aeris and Sephiroth to Sectors 1 and 2, and Vincent you can go with me to the Top Plate! BREAK!"

So, everyone had broken into their teams to search for that crazy Cloudo. But, little did they know he was at the pile of rubble that was...

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THE SHINRA HQ!

"Aeris... How could you...?" He asked himself. "No! NO! IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT! Sephiroth FORCED you into it, didn't he? Well, I'll save you! I'll show the world that I can save you! And we can RULE this world - FOR ALL ETERNITY!"

He laughed manically, as the sky began to get stormy again for some reason, and out of the rubble came a strange glow.

"I will construct the ultimate weapon of destruction and claim this world as my own! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!"

Uh-oh... What's Cloud thinking? He can't be an evil maniac! That's Sephiroth's job!

And alluva sudden, the corpses of the SFC arose and walked slowly towards him.

"FAN GIRLS! I WILL MERGE THESE FAN GIRLS TOGETHER TO CREATE THE--"

"SHUT YOUR GOB!" Someone yelled, and threw a rock at Cloud's head.

"OWCH!" He said, over a few snorts of laughter. "THINK THIS IS FUNNY, HUH?"

He then brandished his big sword and ran at the group of people angrily. After they had run a fair distance away, he returned.

"Ahem... MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

**BASS IT!**

So now CLOUD'S the bad guy? What ever next?

FAQ! Leave a question, if you please! I LOVE questions! I have an answer for almost ANYTHING! Also, improvements, explanations, etc - All in your review, please!

So, I hope you enjoyed Chapter 1 of Undying Pie 2, and stay tuned for more!

TTFN!


	2. No More Yasashi CloudoSama!

**UNDYING PIE 2**

_My other fics are on hold. I want to at least get this story off the ground a little more. And if you've got a problem with that, Mister, take it up with my Q4DAEHP Writer's Block Demon!_

_Insert DISCLAIMER here._

_Translation of Chapter title... Yasashi Gentle/Kind. No More Mr. Nice Cloud, essentially!_

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**CHAPTER TWO - NO MORE YASASHI CLOUDO-SAMA!**

Well, from his magical spirit Jenova whatever-ness, Cloud had built himself a big mansion out of the rubble of the Shinra HQ. It was... A big EVIL mansion. Imagine Ultimecia's Castle... BUT GONE CLOUDO! And, if you don't know how it would go Cloudo... Try going EMO instead.

Also, he had resurrected the Sephiroth FC, and merged them together to create his Ultimate Weapon...

... ... (drum roll)

... ... ... (no, actually, no drum roll. Just tense music)

...THE ULTIMATE FAN GIRL! EEEEEEEEEKK!

"Okay, UltraFan." Cloud said, since that's what he decided to call her. "I need you to carry out the following orders."

"Yes, Master." UltraFan agreed.

"One - Go to FanFiction dot Net and DESTROY ALL THE AERISEPH FICS! **EVERY SINGLE ONE**!"

"Yes, Master."

Cloud began pacing around in front of her.

"Two - Bring me **EVERY **Cleris or Clerith fic!"

"Yes, Master."

"Three... ...Uhh..."

He paused.

"Ummm... Ah-HA! Three - Terrorise Midgar as you please."

"Yes, Master."

"...Y'know, I'm not too big on the whole 'Master' thing... Try 'Cloud-Sama'."

"Yes, Cloud-Sama."

"Perfect!"

"Cloud-Sama, I'll go at once!"

Then, UltraFan ran off to fulfil her duties.

"Now, whilst I wait for UltraFan to return, I'll find somewhere to put that ridiculously large Aeris painting that I painted to express my deepest love for her!" Cloud said, and then realised... SHE DIDN'T LOVE HIM! GASP! NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

So, as a guitar bellowed in the background he decided to break into a heart-breaking (hahaha, gettit?) song, leaning on the ridiculously large Aeris painting that was just propped up against a wall.

_"CRAWLING IN MY SKIN! THESE WOUNDS, THEY WILL NOT HEAL! FEAR IS HOW I--"_

Then, there was a knock at his door. Cloud stopped singing, and stood up, and went to the door.

He opened it, and standing there were Vincent and Barret.

"Oh. It's you. Vincento and Barreto." He said. "What are you doing here?"

"We were lookin' for you and in the figured you were here." Barret said. "And you are."

"...Cloud, you have made me afraid of the moon. You are an idiot." Vincent said. "Now, reverse the effects before I keeeeeel you."

"Hmm... Lemme think about it..." Cloud said. "...NO!"

Then, he slammed the door shut.

"...Well, whadda we do now?" Barret asked, after they lost that argument pretty easily. Oh, shame, shame!

"I do not know." Vincent replied.

"Hmmph..." Barret mumbled, and then sat down on the doorstep... For about five seconds before he thought of what to do. "HEY, I KNOW! VINCENT! WE CAN TRY TO GET INSID--"

But, Vincent was already through an open window, and signalling to Barret to get inside. So, they both went to infiltrate Cloud's Mansion! YAY!

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Meanwhile, Tifa and Cait Sith were having a grand old time looking for Cloud in Sector 6. Yes, I know, Barret and Vincent have already found him, but aren't you interested in what the others are doing, hmm?

"Hello? Hello? Excuse me? Hello?" Tifa said, trying to talk to random people in the Wall Market, but they were all ignoring her. "Argh... No one's talking to me!"

"Ah, Tifa...?" Cait Sith said, sitting comfortably on her shoulder since Mog wasn't with him. "All these people are stone."

"STONE?" She exclaimed.

Sure enough, they were all statues.

"More precisely, these people are all stone statues... Of... Aeris."

Sure enough, they were all statues of Aeris.

"By the great chopsticks of Wutai - You're RIGHT Cait Sith!" Tifa said. "These are all Aeris statues! I wonder what's going on?"

"Hello." A random guy said, appearing from one of the many shops there. "May I help you?"

"Oh, yes." Tifa said. "We're looking for someone named Cloud. He has blonde hair that looks like a chocobo. Have you seen him?"

"Actually, yes." The random guy said. "He came here a while ago to place an order. You see, I'm Joe Statue, a statue maker."

And so, we'll call the random guy... Joe Statue!

"Cloud asked me to make fifteen different statues of this 'Aeris' person." Joe Statue continued. "I did the best I could without a model, but..."

They looked around. All of the Aeris statues were... Kind of... Abominations of Aeris statues!

"Now you mention it, all these Aeris statues don't look much like Aeris at all!" Tifa said with her hands on her hips.

"Well, I don't know what to do!" Joe Statue said sadly. "I can't make accurate statues of her based on Cloud's description of her!"

"Hmm..." Cait Sith mumbled. "...AH-HA! I'VE GOT IT!"

"Got what?" Tifa and Joe Statue asked.

"Why don't you just not do the statues for Cloud?" Cait Sith suggested.

"I can't turn down a customer! It'll be bad for my business!" Joe Statue said, and then resumed carving an Aeris statue inside his shop.

Tifa and Cait Sith exchanged glances.

"Okay..." Tifa said slowly. "Let's just go inside and ask where Cloud is."

So, they went in, and did exactly that.

"Hmm... I'm not sure." Joe Statue said. "He can't be far. Keep looking."

"Okay." They said, and then left to go search Sector 8, since they hadn't looked their yet.

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Meanwhile, Aeris, Sephiroth and Red XIII were looking around... Also for Cloud... Ahem.

"Hey, you're a dog, right?" Sephiroth asked, looking very suspicious about Red XIII. "Can't you catch Cloud's scent and follow it?"

"No. Because I'm not a dog." Red XIII said. He's a... ...Well... I'm not sure what he is!

"What are you then?" Sephiroth asked... Again.

"A resident of Cosmo Canyon." Red XIII replied.

"You mean a DOG from Cosmo Canyon!" Sephiroth argued.

Red XIII was about to reply when Aeris interrupted.

"Quit it, guys. We have to find Cloud!" She said.

"Okay... If I was Cloud, where would I be?" Sephiroth asked himself, and then realised... HE DIDN'T KNOW WHERE CLOUD WOULD BE IF HE WAS CLOUD! ARGH! How... FRUSTRATING! HOW INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING?

"Hey!" Cid yelled, running along with Yuffie towards them.

"IMPORTANT!" Yuffie screamed, jumping into the group. "We got a call from Barret. He says he and Vincent found Cloud on the top plate where the Shinra HQ was before it collapsed last night! We gotta get up there! Right away!"

So, they all went off in the direction of wherever it was that got people up onto the Top Plate in FFVII. What was it? I dunno... I think it was the train, but I'm not ENTIRELY sure because Cloud and Tifa went up those steps when Sector 7 was about to collapse, so... ... ... OH WELL!

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Anyway, whilst all this was going on, UltraFan was at Fanfiction dot Net! YAY FOR The woman on the front desk said. "How may I help you?"

"I am the one they call UltraFan." UltraFan said, sounding remarkably like Sonny. "I am unique."

"Oh, another fan girl, huh..." The woman mumbled. "If you want to upload a story, the Document Manager's room is through there on the left. Put your email address and password into the gizmo at the side of the door to gain access."

So, UltraFan popped in her email and password, and walked into the Member's access of Fanfiction dot Net. Then, she went to the Document Manager's office.

"Oh, another fan girl..." The Document Manager, who we'll call Mr Document, said in a very dull tone. "Okay, go ahead, upload your cheesy drama story."

"I want to withdraw stories." UltraFan said.

"Huh? You can't do that." Mr Document said. "You can only--"

Just as soon as he argued, UltraFan threw a very sharp looking dagger at him, which hit him right between the eyes. He died. Poor guy. He only appeared for a few lines! Then, UltraFan just walked out, as that error screen that tends to annoy me... ALOT... Appeared. Error 

**An error has occurred while processing your request.**

If the problem persists, please alert site admin via http/support. errors are logged for administrative and security purposes.

Oh, how... ANNOYING for anyone trying to upload a document at that time!

At least it stopped the Yuffitines from being uploaded... Hwehehehehehe!

So, UltraFan went into the Browse Sections room, then into the Game section, and into Final Fantasy VII.

In there, there was a lot of different people. Many were fan girls, like her. Or, they were just crazy people, like me. Otherwise, they were nice normal people who were just reading up on the latest and greatest FFVII fics.

Or, they could have been Yaoi fans... But I'm sure I've already categorised them into fan girls. Unless... ... Nah...

UltraFan went to a cabinet, and opened a draw labled **'CLERIS/TH': ROMANCE/GENERAL**. She emptied it into a big bag when no one was looking. Next, she went to another draw in the same cabinet, labled **'CLERIS/TH': ROMANCE/ANGST. **She emptied that into the bag when no one was looking, too! And so on with all the Cleris/th fics, until EVERY SINGLE ONE IN EVERY CATEGORY was in the bag. And no one noticed. Except for the camera crew.

Yup, they were watching on CCTV! Wow! GRIPPING!

So, the special FF dot Net SWAT forces piled into the FFVII room, and aimed their guns at UltraFan.

"Please drop the bag and no one gets hurt!" One of the SWAT dudes said.

"...No one gets hurt... Except for YOU!" UltraFan yelled, and then aimed a SMOKE BOMB at the group! EGADS!

Whilst they were recovering, she quickly searched for the AERISEPH category. However, the smoke was clearing too fast. In a final attempt, she jumped out of the window, aimed Ultima at the FFVII room, and BLEW IT UP, along with ALL the FFVII fics! GASP! NOOOOOOO!

She landed outside, the bag of Cleris fics swung over her shoulder.

"Hehehe... Too easy!" UltraFan laughed, before heading back for Cloud's mansion.

So, UltraFan has destroyed all the FFVII fics apart from Cleris/ths? Wuh-oh... I smell trouble!

**BASS IT!**

_QUESTIONS! QUESTIONS! QUESTIONS! Okay, I'm getting bored of asking now!_

_Leave a question, damn you!_

_TTFN!_


	3. That Was The Zidus Where Eiko, etc

**UNDYING PIE 2**

_Oh hell yeah..._

_Two chapters NEARLY up at once? You people must be occupied quite nicely!_

_I don't suggest settling down with a big glass of strawberry milkshake, however. Once, I had a big glass of strawberry milkshake, and some guy in a tutu with an Arnold Schwarzenegger mask on came on screen with a water gun and made it look like he wet himself. Needless to say, I had a mouthful of milkshake and it AAAALLLLL came RIGHT outta my nose! _

_The same thing happened with hot chocolate on the Insanity Test. I had to label myself officially insane. Now, if I had taken that AFTER that effin' Crazy Frog hit British phones, I would label myself officially SANE! BUT THAT'S JUST SOD'S LAW, AIN'T IT? _

_P.S. Yes, it hurts more if hot chocolate comes out of your nose than strawberry milkshake. Actually, it hurts either way, but hot chocolate is HOT and BURNS like HELLFIRE! AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's like Ifrit decided to attack my nose! AAAHHHHHHH!_

_Ahem... Anyhoo..._

_DISCLAIMER! You may or may not have noticed this is loosely based around a hilarious online comic I read called 'Tifa VS. Psycho Mutant Super Fan Girl'. Except, this would be 'Undying Pie 2 VS. Cloud and UltraFan'. _

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**CHAPTER THREE - THAT WAS THE ZIDUS WHERE EIKO COMMITS SUICIDE!**

Well, well, well. Well is how I started the last chapter, wasn't it? Okay, I'll think of another word to start with.

Cloud.

Yes, Cloud.

Cloud was in his mansion... Unsurprisingly.

"Ah, my dear Aeris..." He said in a very strange hallucination voice. "How I long to--"

"Cloud-Sama. I have returned." UltraFan said, placing the big bag of Cleris fics down infront of him.

"Oh, you're back. Good." Cloud said.

"May I go terrorise Midgar now?" UltraFan asked.

"Mmnn... Not yet." He replied.

He pointed to a random door on a long wall of... Doors.

"Take the fics into there. I want you to sort all the good ones from the bad ones. If they're good, put them in a pile. If they're bad, put them in the big machine thing in there that will most likely get rid of them." Cloud said. "Oh, and when you've done that, sort out all the good ones and correct the spelling errors. If I can't have a perfect fic to morph the world around, then I've not got my way, and you've not got your pay!"

Morph the world around? DUN-DUN-DDUUUN! DUN-DUN-DDDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN! DU-DU-DUDU... ...DUUUUUNNNN!

"Yes, Cloud-Sama."

"And when you've done THAT..." He continued, throwing ANOTHER big bag down. "...Do the same for these Zidane X Tidus fics, would ya?"

"Yes, Cloud-Sama."

"Then, when you're done, go terrorise Midgar."

"Yes, Cloud-Sama."

"Now, mosey!"

"Yes, Cloud-Sama."

So, UltraFan picked up the Cleris bag and the... 'Zidus' bag... and went into the weird nameless random room to sort all the fics out.

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Meanwhile, Barret and Vincent were snooping around... On the other side of the mansion. They had found the secret passage from the lounge to the conservatory, and if FFVII really happened to be a Cluedo game, it was Yuffie in Kalm with the Buster Sword.

"I really think we should look around his office..." Vincent suggested, since he KNEW all incriminating evidence is ALWAYS in people's offices!

"No! I say we find Cloud and SHOOT HIM SILLY!" Barret yelled, waving his hand and other mechanical hand that changes very coolly into a machine gun in Advent Children in the air, looking like an utter idiot.

"Look, Barret... You're making this a difficult task." Vincent told him straight. "Let's just open a random door and see if there's anything that can tell us why Cloud has gone crazy."

So, Barret opened a random door, which happened to be the one that UltraFan was sorting fics in! GASP!

Quietly, they snuck in, and luckily she didn't notice them.

"Oh... This is so good!" UltraFan said... But you KNOW she was just IGNORING the Cleris fics and reading all the Zidus fics first! "Go Tidus! Tell that Yuna bitch how much he means to you!"

"What's she doing?" Barret whispered.

"It looks as if she's reading... Fanfiction..." Vincent whispered back.

The door creaked open and Cloud walked in.

"Oh, I forgot to ask." He said. "How did the destruction go?"

"The destruction?" UltraFan asked. "Oh, I think I got them. I needed to escape quickly with the Cleris/ths."

"Oh, well, at least you-- H-HEY!" Cloud yelled. "You're checking the Zidus fics! I told you to do the Cleris/ths first!"

"Oh, umm... Well... I-I was checking incase any Cleris/ths were mixed in with the Ziduses, Cloud-Sama!" UltraFan replied quickly.

"How the hell would that be possible?"

"Well, uuhhhhh... Someone might have submitted a Cleris/th in the FF Crossovers section! Which could also be a Zidus!"

"HEY! Listen, ya damn fan girl! No one writes a Cleris/th AND a Zidus IN THE SAME STORY! **A/N**: Except me... On crack Now work on the Cleris/ths!"

Then, Cloud STORMED out and SLAMMED the door like the grouchy Emo he is!

"Geeze... Seems like I'm gonna have to tamper with these Cleris/th fics before I can read all those lovely Ziduses... (Sigh)..." UltraFan said, and then opened the Cleris bag.

So, she began reading the first on the pile.

"Hmm... Hmm... Hmm... Hmm..." She mumbled for about ten minutes. "Oh, this is just stupid! I'll just throw them all in the machine! Then what can Cloud-Sama do?"

UltraFan picked up some of the Cleris fics and chucked them into the machine. It whirred a little, and then bleeped 'Process Complete'. So, she picked up more, and tossed more in! Pick, toss! Pick, toss!

Barret and Vincent watched... Slightly disturbed at her.

...Until...

"NO! THAT WAS THE ZIDUS WHERE EIKO COMMITS SUICIDE!" UltraFan screamed, and tried to reach into the machine after her beloved Zidus fic.

...But when she did...!

IT CAUSED A GIANT EXPLOSION!

"OWCH! OWWCH! OWWWWWWWCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" She yelped, trying to get free.

But, unfortunately, she couldn't get out of the Fanfiction destroying machine. And, when the dust cleared...

"Aw, hell... What the 8£"$ happened there?" Barret asked, crawling out of the random place in the room that he and Vincent had taken cover from the explosion from... Uh... Is there supposed to be a 'from' on the end of that? Grammar? Grammar check? I dunno... Screw my half-assed grammar!

Then, there were footsteps... Sinister, SINISTER footsteps!

And from the dust came UltraFan... In a strange shade of... GREEN! EEK!

Cloud opened the door.

"What the crap? UltraFan, what was all..." He yelled, before murmuring slowly. "...That... Noise? WTFZORZ? Why the heck are you green?"

"Oh, Cloud-Sama! I don't know but I feel a lot better now!" UltraFan said.

Except, now she wasn't UltraFan... She was PYSCHO MUTANT ULTRAFAN! EEEEPSS!

"Argh... The machine's broken, ain't it?" Cloud said, walking over to the machine. "But you probably destroyed all the crappy Cleris/ths. Good work. Now go terrorise Midgar as you please."

"Okay, Cloud-Sama! I'll do just that!"

Then, UltraFan skipped out of the room. Cloud collected up all the 'good' fics, and left, shutting the door behind him.

Barret and Vincent went to take a look at the area once it was clear.

"Cleris/ths? Ziduses? What the hell are those?" Barret asked.

"Types of Fanfiction." Vincent replied. "Their definitions... I'm not too sure about those. But, from what we know, that girl that Cloud referred to as 'UltraFan' must be working for him. And what's more is, from what we've seen, she's become a mutant from the machine. Cloud told her to terrorise Midgar. Who knows what will happen next?"

"Okay Vincent. You got your damn evidence. Can we get outta here now?"

"Alright."

So, they left through the door they came in and snuck out of the mansion. Well, uh... DUH! Where else would they go? Cloud's bedroom? You don't know WHAT'S in there! (Zidane and Tidus Emo Yaoi, I presume)

"Hi guys!" Yuffie yelled, waving her arms about to signal to them. "We came, just like you asked! So what's up?"

"It's okay. We're leaving." Vincent said coldly. Obviously. He probably hates Yuffie.

"Aww, man!" Yuffie whined.

"What went on, then?" Cid asked.

"We'd better get back to the 7th Heaven first." Barret said. "Move out!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

UltraFan, meanwhile, had gone back to Fanfiction dot Net.

"ARGH! SHE'S BACK!" Someone yelled.

"How can you tell? All fan girls look the same!" Someone else yelled.

But, it was too late for them! They were crushed in UltraFan's mutant shockwave! LÉ GASPÉ!

FF dot Net's SWAT came back, and tried to shoot at her, but the bullets did nothing... NOTHING WHAT-SO-EVER! EEK! By a strange twist of fate, she had become a magical Mary-Sue character! (P.S. In case you don't already know, Mary-Sues often have special powers) Wuh-oh...

UltraFan walked through the... Opening where she had used a laser beam to blast the front door off...

"Now... To mess with all the fics... And twist the world around them!" She said in a very malicious tone. "MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAA!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

So, everyone ended up back at the 7th Heaven. Tifa and Cait Sith were already there, after no luck finding Cloud, but a lot of luck finding out about Cloud's little statue plan!

"Well, this is what happened..." Vincent said, once everyone was listening to him and not their I-Pod. I.E... ...Vincent... Himself... IT WAS AFI, OKAY? "You see, Barret and I went into a strange room whilst searching Cloud's new mansion. Inside, a girl was reading through what was referred to as 'Zidus' Fanfiction. Cloud told her to look at the Cleris/ths instead. When she put most of them in a machine, she accidentally put in one she wasn't supposed to, and reached back in for it. She got trapped in the machine, there was an explosion, and she came out as a mutant. Then, she apparently went off to terrorise Midgar... Not that alot's actually happening outside..."

"So, basically Cloud's created a monster and in the end it's up to us to put a stop to it?" Red XIII stated the obvious.

"Yes." Vincent confirmed it. "Yes indeed."

"Cait Sith and I found weird evidence that Cloud's up to something, too." Tifa said.

"Indeed we did!" Cait Sith added.

However, they were both ignored by the fact that everyone else was doing whatever they wanted to! Vincent was again listening to his exclusive DoC signed I-Pod! Yes, signed... By himself... And Yuffie, Cait Sith and Reeve. No one won it in Square's quiz to win it, because no one was smart enough to know the answers to the questions! How many people in total worked on Advent Children? WHO THE HELL WOULD COUNT UP ALL THOSE NAMES? ARGH! Barret was filing his nails with an iron filer! HA HA HA HA HA HA! (Inside joke only I would ever understand because it is slightly inaccurate). Red and Cid were playing Go Fish. Yuffie was hanging from the chandelier (you know, it shouldn't have taken her THAT long to do that!). Sephiroth was just being plain ignorant... And, Aeris... Well, Aeris knew what a Cleris/th was!

"Listen, everyone..." She said. "I think I know what Cloud's doing. But, we're all going to have to work together to stop him, okay?

Everyone mumbled something dully. It could've been 'okay'. It could've been a 'we can't be arsed!', but Aeris took it as an 'okay'.

"Great!" She beamed happily, opening the bar doors. "Then let's get to--"

She suddenly stopped. Everything outside was dark, and stormy. The return of the Undying Storm? No! It was much different to the Undying Storm. It was a big purple whirlwind, and random characters were falling from it and running around all over the place.

"EVERYBODY RUN!" Shigure yelled, sprinting across the screen with Tohru strapped to his back as a human shield. "KYO'S GOT A GUN!"

"WE ARE THE KNIGHTS THAT SAY 'NEE!'" The Granas Cathedral Knights shouted, marching past with Selene, who was leading them whilst holding a shrubbery.

"They call me Sonic! Sonic the Hedgehog! I can run faster than anything in the universe, and--" Sonic boasted, before a very swish Mercedes (which was obviously ALOT faster than him!) came zooming past and he sadly became road kill.

"...Work..." Aeris continued slowly, with the BIGGEST sweatdrop POSSIBLE! "Okay, something's wrong here."

Everyone else looked out into the crazy morphed-ness.

"...Is this the apocalypse?" Red asked, raising one of his... Eyebrows... Um... Does he even HAVE eyebrows? Oh well... I guess he'll have to do!

"Hey, you know, maybe this is the terrorising that girl was supposed to be doing!" Yuffie suggested, since I couldn't really think of anything else for anyone else to say. That's smart thinking, for her!

"We should get to the bottom of it..." Vincent said, swishing his cape around.

Then... Alluva sudden... Zidane skipped through an imaginary field of flowers with a strangely peaceful look on his face.

"Oh, Tidus!" He said dreamily. "Make love to me!"

"And... Uh... Fast..." Vincent continued, as everyone got their BIGGEST POSSIBLE sweatdrops.

------------------------------------------------------------------

"No... No... NO!" Cloud yelled, tossing all of the Cleris/th fics aside. "What was UltraFan thinking when she chose this pile of crap?"

He looked out of the window at the weirdly disorientated Midgar.

"Oh well. At least she's terrorising the city."

Cloud sighed, and then sat down next to the collection of bad Cleris/th fics, thinking of what to do next...

...Suddenly...

...BING! A light bulb appeared over his head! But it wasn't a very bright light bulb. Because it wasn't a very bright idea.

"I know!" Cloud said, standing again. "I'll write my OWN Cleris! That way it will be EXACTLY as I WANT it to be!"

He raised a shaking fist.

"And we shall RULE this puny world! TOGETHER! LIKE SQUARE **SHOULD **HAVE MADE THIS PUNY GAME!"

So, Cloud sat down at his computer and loaded up the word processor, ready to write his Cleris... OF DOOM! That's right! His Cleris... OF DOOM!

... ...Well, it IS, ya know? Sounding slightly like Raijin, no coin?

So, now. Let's see what UltraFan messed up...

Well, there were...

------------------------------------------------------------------

**FINAL FANTASY XI AND DRAGONBALL Z FICS**

"Oh what the SHIT is that?" Locke yelled, as Cell landed in the middle of the FFXI world.

"I am Cell! And I have over NINE MILLION HP!" Cell roared.

"By an unknown twist of fate, I am now a SUPER SAYIN!" Sabin shouted, his hair longer than usual. He ran off to go fight Cell.

------------------------------------------------------------------

**GRANDIA I, II, III AND MONTY PYTHON FICS**

"Oh, Knights of Nee!" Justin said. "You are just and fair!"

"We are no longer the Knights of Nee!" Selene cried. "We are now the Knights who say 'Ecky! Ecky! Ecky! Vkang! ZuckONG! Vrghalgh!'"

"Oh, Knights who sa-- Until recently said 'Nee'!" Justin continued. "We are simple adventurers passing through! But, you know, every sperm is sacred!"

Selene and The Knights of Nee... Uh... The Granas Cathedral Knights... Looked confused, as Feena and all of those Justin and Feena kiddies came out, joining in with Justin in Yorkshire accents to that classic song.

"What? I don't get this one BIT!" Millenia roared, with that disgusted face.

"Oh, well, it's an inside Grandia I joke..." Ulf explained. "The scene after the credits showed all those kids, which fits in well with Every Sperm Is Sacred..."

"Oh..." Millenia said slowly. "I get it... Sorta."

------------------------------------------------------------------

**FINAL FANTASY IX AND X CROSSOVER FICS**

Okay, so we already KNOW those Ziduses are outta hand, but just HOW outta hand ARE they?

"I CAN'T LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT ZIDANE IS GAY!" Eiko said, before committing untimely suicide. Umm... Is untimely the right word? Hmmm...

"Because we are so angry at you, Yuna and I will combine our summoning powers and crush you both!" Garnet said maliciously.

Yuna cracked her knuckles angrily in the background.

"We're gonna die here, aren't we...?" Tidus said, sorta stating the obvious.

"It's alright, Tidus." Zidane comforted him, getting seriously out of character. "As long as I die with you, I don't care if my vengeance-filled summoning-princess Garnet-Dagger ex-girlfriend kills me!"

"You know... We could just grab that rope there and jump down to Kuja's Mansion and steal his Airship..." Tidus said.

"...Oh, WELL!" Zidane yelled with his hands on his hips. "That's not fun or tense or anything AT ALL!"

"...Uh... Okay..." Tidus agreed uncomfortably.

Then, they waited for Yuna and Garnet to summon an Aeon.

"Let's use Alexander!" Garnet said evilly.

"I can't summon Alexander." Yuna replied.

"Umm... Okay, we'll use Odin!"

"I can't summon Odin, either."

"Ramuh?"

"Nope."

"Leviathan?"

"No..."

"Atomos?"

"Can't summon that either."

"...Ark?"

"No can do."

Garnet paused.

"Okay, you think of something to summon." She said.

"Alright!" Yuna said. "How about Valefor?"

"...No, I can't summon Valefor." Garnet replied.

"Umm... Ixion?"

"Nope."

"Yojimbo?"

"No."

"Anima?"

"No..."

"...The Magus Sisters?"

"Nope."

Yuna paused.

"I don't think there's any way around this..."

At that point, Zidane and Tidus were getting impatient.

"JUST SUMMON BAHAMUT!" They yelled.

"Alright!" Garnet and Yuna said happily, since they could BOTH summon Bahamut! Hahahahaha!

So, they both... Summoned Bahamut... Geeze, what ELSE do you think would happen?

And then Zidane and Tidus both died and got a GAME OVER screen...

... ...NOT!

**BASS IT!**

Y'know, I've been thinking. How about, instead of JUST having an FAQ, I ask YOU some questions! On YOUR opinions? Wouldn't that be great?

Ask a question or two, and then just leave your opinion on something on a topic!

So, let's start off. Since I have adapted a very weird obsession with Ziduses, which Yaoi pairing do you think is better: ZidanexTidus, OR CloudxSquall? The leads against the leads! YAOI STYLE! OMG!

(P.S. You will probably choose CloudxSquall, because no one - except for me - would even DREAM of Tidus and Zidane!)

(P.P.S. But don't let that alter your opinion)

(P.P.P.S. LEAVE A GODDAMN QUESTION!)

Bai-Bai.


	4. The Jellyphant Man Cometh!

**UNDYING PIE 2**

_Undying Pie soon to hit YouTube! PWANAGEZORZ! WHAHOOO!_

_This foreword was written whilst listening to Dirge of Cerberus's theme song - Redemption by Gackt. _

_It is cool. _

_However, for the rest of the chapter I put the Japanese version of Barbie Girl on repeat._

_NOTE! BIG MISTAKE I MADE! In the last chapter, I put FFXI and DBZ crossovers. This was supposed to be FF**V**I. There's a V, not an X. I am terribly sorry, and I will go back and alter this and all my other mistakes that I may find._

_By the way, this chapter has nothing to do with Jellyphants. I just couldn't think of another name for the title._

_Anyway... Disclaimer and everything._

_Let's go._

------------------------------------------------------------------

**CHAPTER FOUR - THE JELLYPHANT MAN COMETH!**

"It looks like the whole of Midgar's gone AWOL!" Cait Sith yelled randomly, but we all know he was STATING THE COMPLETE AND UTTER OBVIOUS!

"Okay, the first thing we have to do is contact the other FF characters to see if they're alright." Tifa said, and then who fell from the sky but... No one. Just testing!

"Uh... Well, we saw quite a few others run by. They seem okay." Red XIII said. "Let's just try to find this pesky fan girl. She seems to be the source of the problem."

"Good idea, Red." Tifa said. "Let's split into teams again and find her!"

The PHS screen then came up.

"I'll be head of Team One." Tifa said, since she being BOSSY because she wanted to be THE BOSS! "Sephiroth, you're head of Team Two. Aeris, you're head of Team Three."

So, the little pointy arrow thing automatically had Tifa as the head of the party. I chose Vincent and Cid to go with her, since that's the party I chose when Cloud was in Mideel. Then, Sephiroth chose Red (since Red's smart and would know what to do, and if Sephiroth was ever on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, he would have Red as his favourite Phone-A-Friend) and Yuffie because all the other good characters were taken, or in Cloud's case... Evil. Finally, Aeris chose... No, wait... Was STUCK with Barret and Cait Sith. Notice how Tifa had first choice and therefore chose the best characters?

"Be careful!" Cid warned. "Don't y'all get killed by these &$£ Fanfictions!"

"WhooooHOOOOO!" Yuffie yelled, jumping and punching her fist into the air randomly, before doing that crazy FFX-2 Rikku dance. "Let's go kick that fan girl's ass!"

And to that, everyone went off in their groups.

------------------------------------------------------------------

The printer went 'CCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHH!' as it printed out...

...Gasp...

...THE ULTIMATE CLERIS FIC! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Cloud laughed like a REAL evil person as he collected the pages of his beautiful Cleris fic together. "I have successfully written my ultimate Cleris fic!"

He sat down in a chair.

"Now, to read it through for typos and/or spelling errors!"

Just as he was about to start reading it, this scene ended. No, it's NOT the shortest scene ever. The shortest scene EVER was in Undying Pie ONE! The FIRST Undying Pie! If you haven't read - GO READ! NOW! WHY... NO... **HOW** DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE FIRST ONE?

------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey! HEY! HEEY!" Yuffie shouted, way ahead of Red and Sephiroth, who were just walking at their normal paces. "C'MON GUYS! YOU'RE SLOOOOOWPOKES!"

"YUFFIE! SHUT UP ALREADY!" Sephiroth yelled, starting to regret choosing her.

"BUT WE HAVE TO-- AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Yuffie fell over when she was run into by someone.

"OH! OH MY GOD! I'M SO SORRY!" Tidus said, jumping up and then helping her up. "I-I was in such a hurry I wasn't looking where I was going!"

"What's the problem?" Red asked.

"I'm looking for Yuna!" Tidus replied. "Have you seen her?"

"No." Sephiroth said in a very, very insensitive manner. "Yuna is paired with a lot of other guys. She may be with Baralai, Seymour or Luzzu."

But this just made Tidus cry. Shame on you, Sephiroth. Yuffie... Patted him on the back.

"There, there, Tidus." She said. "I'm sure Yuna still loves you."

"No, if she's with any of them it will be harder if I tell her I'M gay, too!" Tidus sniffed, inferring that Baralai, Seymour and Luzzu were also gay.

Sephiroth, Red and Yuffie all exchanged glances.

"Okay! We'll help you find Yuna!" Yuffie volunteered them, JUST LIKE THAT!

Red and Sephiroth were ABOUT to argue, when Tidus jumped up, all HAPPY again! YAY!

"YOU WILL? Thanks SO much, guys!"

"Uh, you guys can help..." Sephiroth said. "I'm going to go find that fan girl."

Then he ran off. Red looked around, but couldn't really think of an excuse, so he just went along with helping Tidus.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Aeris and her team were... ALSO looking for the fan girl.

"Y'know, I don't think we're even CLOSE to finding this fan girl!" Cait Sith sighed.

"ARGH! DAMM'T ALL!" Barret yelled, shooting at a random wall.

Aeris twitched slightly. Cait Sith looked up at her.

"Aeris? Are you okay? You have such a strange look on your face."

"Why, I'm fine..." She replied quietly.

"Oh, uhhh... Alright then." Cait Sith mumbled, just shrugging and going along with it.

"You know, I think I'm gonna go over here for a while." Aeris said slowly, and then walked off.

"What's up with her?" Barret asked, once she had walked off, completely out of sight.

"Dunno." Cait Sith replied.

Since there wasn't anything else interesting there, let's go to what the next group were doing.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Tifa and her merry men (hahahahahaha!) were, again, looking for that pesky UltraFan.

"Something seems a little off..." Vincent said. "We should have been at Fanfiction dot net by now, but instead we've been going around and around in random circles..."

"I AM SAILOR MOON!" Sailor Moon yelled randomly, running across the screen.

"AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE MOON!" Vincent cried, and then hid behind Cid, who just rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"C'mon, guys!" Tifa said. "We've got to focus!"

Then, Sephiroth just randomly walked up to them... RANDOMLY!

"Hey, Seph! Did you have any luck finding the fan girl?" Tifa asked.

Sephiroth... Twitched... Sorta...

"Uh... Sephiroth...?"

"Sweet Tifa..." He said, not actually sounding at all like him. "...I would like to..."

He touched her cheek. You can imagine her bewildered expression.

"...Make long, passionate love..."

Then... The Masamune drove right through him! OMGZORZ! The REAL Masamune, that is.

"I hate these impostors." The REAL Sephiroth said, as his Tifa-loving impostor... Died.

"You're not one of those flower-picking sissy-boy Sephiroths, are you?" Cid asked with a smirk.

"...Do you want me to kill you, too?"

"Boy, I never thought I'd say this, but oh hell, am I glad to see you."

------------------------------------------------------------------

"Oh, I didn't destroy all the fics..." UltraFan said, looking around the FFVII room. "Well, I must have destroyed the AeriSephs... That WAS Cloud-Sama's request..."

And, oh, guess what! She really HAD destroyed all the AeriSephs! DUN-DUN-DUUUN! And with them... The Yuffitines! HURRAY! WOO! PART-AY! OH YEAH! WOO! THANK GOD FOR THAT CRAZY ULTRAFAN!

"Let's see..." She said. "I just made a SephTif come to life... What next?"

She decided that FFVII was getting a little boring for her likings, so she went back to the FFX section.

"Hmmm... Let's see here..."

"Uhh... Miss... Fan Girl? Miss?" One of the FF dot Net staff asked. "I-Is there anything you need?"

"Nope. I'm fine." UltraFan said. "Though, I wouldn't mind being able to phone someone..."

"Umm, yes, right away!" He said, and then dashed off to find a phone before she laser-visioned him.

UltraFan sat down in a chair to read the fic she had just taken out.

"Hmmm... Pretty interesting... I wonder what Cloud-Sama would think of this?"

"Miss Fan Girl?" The Staff dude said. "Here's the phone."

He put the phone down beside her and then ran off. UltraFan picked up the receiver and rang... CLOUD!

"Yello?" Cloud said, picking up and sliding onto the screen from the top right hand corner.

"Cloud-Sama, it's me. What do you think of this story?"

And then she explained the whole plot of the story to him.

"Yeah, go ahead and do that." Cloud said. "Well, see ya when the world is conquered."

"Bye, Cloud-Sama."

Then, they both hung up. JUST LIKE THAT!

"Okay, I'll make this fic reality!" UltraFan laughed, as lightning bolts appeared at the window behind her. "AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

As soon as UltraFan started to make the fic real, Tidus started twitching. Like Aeris did before.

"Uhh... Tidus?" Yuffie said, waving her hand in front of his face. "TIDUS!"

"I'm not Tidus." Tidus said, sounding remarkably UN-Tidus like. "I am a figure of fiction, MADE TO LOOK LIKE TIDUS!"

Then, he began to sound remarkably like Zera.

"AND NOW THE WILL OF CLOUD IS IMMINENT!"

"The will of Cloud? What IS he talking about?" Red XIII asked.

And then, Tidus... EXPLODED! Yuffie ran away, screaming her head off. As did Red XIII... But he didn't scream.

"OH MY GOD!" Yuffie yelled when they were at a safe distance. "TIDUS EXPLODED!"

"No he didn't." Red XIII said. "He became Bahamut SIN, from Advent Children."

Sure enough, Tidus had become Bahamut SIN from Advent Children. He launched himself into the sky to terrorise Midgar.

------------------------------------------------------------------

So, everyone used the PHS and regrouped.

"Where's Aeris?" Tifa asked.

"We don't know... She just walked off." Cait Sith said. "She had such a strange expression on her face..."

"Then, maybe with all this going on... Cloud..." Vincent said, and then there was a long pause as Bahamut SIN tore up buildings in the background like a crazy mutant monster.

"RRRRRRUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN! IT'S GODZILLA!" Japanese Guy No. 1 from Austin Powers yelled.

"It looks like Godzilla, but due to international copyright laws, it's not." Japanese Guy No. 2 said.

"SSSSSSTTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLL! WE SHOULD RUN LIKE IT IS GODZILLA!" No. 1 cried.

"Though it isn't." No. 2 contributed, before they both screamed in horror due to Bahamut SIN being too close for comfort.

I guess, seeing as I don't wanna put much more in...

**BASS IT!**

Phewf... Well, poll results are in!

Cloud X Squall - 2 votes.

Zidane X Tidus - 0 votes.

Locke X Vaan - Hahaha! Just kidding!

Poor Zidane X Tidus fans... If there are any... (looks around) ... (tumbleweed goes past) ... Ahem, well, yeah...

Anyway, it's FAQ TIME! HUZZAH!

I HAVE A QUESTION! YAY!

**yella fella: **If UltraFan blew up all the final fantasy crossover fics at fanfiction dot net (that aren't Cleris) then why is Undying Pie 2 still here?

ArcBus: This was explained in this chapter, I think. UltraFan didn't really blow up all the fics (she didn't blow up the crossovers anyway, because they're in the Misc. section). She blew up the Yuffitines (HURRAH!) and the AeriSephs. Yeah, you asked why UP2 is still here if it's an AeriSeph? Well, it's a CLERISEPH, which is a whole other section that UltraFan disregarded, COMPLETELY! Fortunately for UP1, I keep that safe from pesky fan girls like her in my account. Phewf!

Any more questions? ASK! JUST ASK THE FIRST THING THAT COMES INTO YOUR HEAD! Argh, okay, new poll.

Cloud as a villain or Seymour as a villain? Cloud Vs. Seymour... VILLAIN style!

TTFN.


	5. Advent Children Mania!

**UNDYING PIE 2**

_Hallo all! Quick-ish update. I got kinda bored, and I have writer's block again for FFX: WRH. I'm very, very, very, very, VERY sorry to all fans of that. I WILL get back to it ASAP._

_Well, just... Disclaimer... And off we go! WEEEE!_

------------------------------------------------------------------

**CHAPTER FIVE - ADVENT CHILDREN MANIA!**

Sooooooooooooo... With all this terrorisation going on, everyone was wondering what to do about Bahamut SIN, formally known as the impostor Tidus.

"Hey, so, maybe... Aeris had the same face, so... Maybe she exploded too?" Barret suggested, before Sephiroth swung the Masamune at him. But he just dodged the slashes. "W-H-WHA-WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"

"How would you like it if I said your wife exploded?" Sephiroth yelled.

"My wife DID explode!" Barret argued, and then broke down crying recalling the Corel events, and then whipped out a MASSIVE teddy bear and started hugging it.

Just then, who dropped from the building above onto the bear but... Elmyra? She bounced right off it, completely unharmed.

"I'MDEA-- Oh, fuck." She said, after looking around at everyone.

"ELMYRA!" Barret squealed, now incredibly happy. "Oh my God, if Mr. Bear hadn't been here, you would have died!"

Elmyra glared at Barret.

"I HATE YOU!" She yelled. And then she glared at Tifa, Vincent, Cid, Red XIII and Cait Sith. "I hate you, and you, and you, and you two, too!"

Then she glared at Yuffie.

"I don't even know you, but I HATE YOU, TOO!"

And then, of course, she glared at Sephiroth.

"And I especially hate YOU!"

"Why is ArcBus stealing scenes from Austin Powers?" Red XIII asked, as Elmyra ran off screaming randomly.

"Well, she's not exactly an endless source of original humour." Cid said, lighting up a cigarette.

"HEY-HEY-HEY!" Barret said, snatching the cigarette and throwing it over the horizon. "I PITY THE FOOL WHO SMOKES NEAR MR. BEAR!"

Cid brandished his lighter in anger and threw it at Mr. Bear. He went up in flames.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Barret yelled overdramatically, but it was too late. He was already a pile of jauntily ashes.

"Cid, that was so insensitive of you!" Tifa chided him.

"Shut yer mouth, princess. Barret's outta character, and it's usually important we fix stuff like that." Cid said.

"P-P-PRINCESS?" Tifa stuttered. Only Rinoa, Garnet and Ashe were the female leads that could be really called that.

"...Doesn't really fit you, does it?"

"Okay, so, it's Advent Children fight time. Let's move!" Barret said, immediately forgetting all about his mourning of Mr. Bear.

Everyone stared at that crazy Barret. But not for long. Because they had to go FIGHT! WWWWYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

------------------------------------------------------------------

Denzel randomly appeared, along with the SHM and a bunch of screaming people.

"Kadaj, you didn't summon this, did you?" Yazoo asked in his slow, Seymour like way.

"Not a chance." Kadaj grinned.

"Don't cry, Yazoo!" Loz snapped.

"...Then Mother must have sent it."

"Maybe not." Kadaj said, looking up at Bahamut SIN. Well, it didn't look much like something Jenova would conjure up.

"Don't cry, Loz..." Yazoo said, looking over at Loz, who began to sob.

"Hey, guys." Denzel said. "You're not evil anymore, right?"

"Right. This story is AU." Kadaj replied. "But if it wasn't, no doubt Loz would kidnap you."

"... ...Okay..." Denzel mumbled, shifting away uncomfortably.

And then came... THE SQUALL AND RINOA TRY TO IMPLODE ZELL'S ROOM CROSSOVER! HOORAY!

"Are you SURE this is Disneyland?" Quistis asked, and she and Irvine suddenly appeared there randomly, too. Actually, they had dropped from the sky, but that's another story... LITERALLY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"Yeah, sure, why not? It's got... Destruction, and imaginary characters!" Irvine said. "Why shouldn't it be Disneyland?"

"Actually, destruction and imaginary characters sounds more like a description of a Final Fantasy..." Quistis said, still not convinced.

Bahamut SIN then crashed down right infront of them and roared in their faces.

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"... ... ...Okay, maybe you're right!" Irvine said, blinking. "Either that or it's Kingdom Hearts, because Disneyland has collided with Final Fantasy."

And then they tapped on the shoulder buttons and ran away! WYAAA! To find Disneyland. For more on Quistis and Irvine, see Squall And Rinoa Try To Implode Zell's Room. (Self-Advertisement)

"Beansprouts. Beansprouts. Oh how I crave some beansprouts." Bahamut SIN said, and then ate a whole beansprout stand that was just randomly placed there, along with the screaming beansprout vendor who died a truly horrible death by being consumed by Bahamut SIN... Yyyyyeeeeeaaaaahhhhh... And then he looked at the watermelon stand next to where the beansprout stand was. "Watermelon. Watermelon. Oh how I crave some watermelon."

And after that, everyone kind of... Appeared and started fighting Bahamut SIN in the same way they did in Advent Children. Except, Sephiroth was kind of replacing Cloud, and Bahamut SIN was kind of talking. Only in Undying Pie!

After a while, Reno and Rude came along, still in their British phases.

"Tally-ho!" Reno said, jumping onto Bahamut SIN's neck and riding him like a horse.

"I say!" Rude exclaimed. "That mare is huge, good sir!"

"Pardon me, Gav'venner? I don't think that's something one man should say to another man, my good man!"

"WILL YOU TWO JUST QUIT IT?" Vincent yelled, after landing very unstylishly next to Rude. Then, he jumped up again and started shooting and flying and shooting and flying and shooting and jumping and shooting and doing acrobatic stuff.

Everyone then gave up.

"This isn't going to work, just fighting it!" Tifa said. "We've gotta launch Cloud at it, like we did in Advent Children!"

Everyone then looked at Sephiroth.

"...Oh, sorry, did you think my name was Cloud?" He snarled.

"Hey, you're the next best thing to Cloud! Well, actually BETTER, but..." Tifa tried to think of an excuse.

"...Why don't we just cover Yuffie in explosives and then throw her at it?" Sephiroth suggested, since, well, HE thought that was a pretty cool idea.

"OKAY!" Everyone except for Yuffie immediately agreed, and then got out random explosives from absolute thin air, and began to load her up with them.

"Y'know, I should get a say in this..." Yuffie said nervously.

"Quiet, you." Red XIII said, seemingly happy that Yuffie was going to die exploding and killing Bahamut SIN. It was like... Martyr-ness... With explosions! Like Bruce Willis in Armageddon!

As soon as Yuffie was entirely coated in bombs and flashy stuff like that, Bahamut SIN began to flap flap flap his albatross wings and TAKE TO THE SKIES!

"Okay Yuffie. I'm gonna push ya up, and then ya grab everybody's hand on the way up!" Barret said. "Ya got that?"

"...I guess..." Yuffie replied uneasily, knowing that she was... Going to DIE! AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!

And then, Barret pushed her up! WHEEE! And then... Red XIII grabbed onto her, and also pushed her up! WHEEE! And then... Cid pushed her up with his spear. Not like that though. WHEEE! And then, Yuffie began to get higher and higher and higher, and began to SCREAM HER HEAD OFF! WWWWAAAAAAAAAAA!

"So long!" Sephiroth said, jumping out and grabbing her hand and pulling her up.

"...Explode!" Vincent said, doing the exact same thing further on. He was supposed to say 'Fly', but, OH WELL!

"No giving up!" Tifa added, right at the top, grabbing and pulling up yada yada yada and sending Yuffie right into the sky and into Bahamut SIN.

"WHOA THAT'S A HELL OF ALOT OF EXPLOSIVES!" Bahamut SIN cried, but it was too late, and Yuffie had crashed into him, exploded and everything was good again! WHOOHOOOO! Except for the fact that Yuffie was dead... Yeah, that's not so good. Unless you hate Yuffie, and then to you, it's practically two birds with one stone!

Everyone landed safely and watched them explode. KA-BOOOOOOM!

Umm... Anyway... On with the main story plot.

------------------------------------------------------------------

UltraFan was watching all this from a window at Fanfiction dot Net.

"T-THEY DEFEATED THE TIDUS-TURNED-BAHAMUT SIN?" She gasped, looking at the piece of fanfiction in which Yuna had chosen Tidus as her fayth and he became Bahamut SIN.

She stormed away from the window angrily.

"ARGH! No matter, I'm sure Cloud-Sama will think of something... After all, he has caused alot of fanfiction with horrible violent and/or crazy random plots to come to life and terrorise Midgar already..."

And then, she began flicking through another FFX story.

"Aurikku drabbles... I may as well take a little break and read this!" She smiled and then sat down to read some... Aurikku drabbles... GRRRR!

------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Cloud was fairly oblivious to Bahamut SIN. Why? Because he had used his 'speshul' powers to...

...BRAINWASH AERIS AND MAKE HER COME TO HIS MANSION!

And...

...THE BRAINWASHED AERIS HAD JUST COME TO HIS MANSION!

She knocked blankly on the door.

"GASP! THAT'S AERIS!" Cloud yelped excitedly, and then quickly gussied up in the mirror. Actually, he just made his hair spikier...

And then he went to the door and opened it.

"Hello... Aeris..." He smirked, talking in a very sexy voice.

Aeris... Twitched... Slightly.

"Please, come in." Cloud said, pushing her gently inside and then shutting the door. Then, he sat her down in a random chair. "Now, let's get down to business."

He picked up his ULTIMATE CLERIS FIC! GGAAASSSPPP! Aeris... Twitched... AGAIN!

"This here is my Ultimate Cleris Fic. The reason I brought you here is because I want to make it... Reality." He explained, now sounding sort of angsty. "Now, you see, all of the other fics that I, and UltraFan, my mindless Fan Girl slave, have made reality, have created false characters, mere illusions of the characters in the stories. I have brought you here, because I don't want an illusionary Aeris. I want... The REAL Aeris... I want...You!"

Aeris twitched yet again.

"...You have me here..." She said, sounding remarkably like Tio.

"Then, let's do this."

Cloud then stood Aeris up, held her unreasonably close to him, and focused into the fic, and then everything went a bright white, and it was time for...

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**THE ULTIMATE CLERIS FIC!**

Everything was all MAGICAL! I know, we know it's awful, because Cloud is stealing Aeris from Sephiroth. But, that's no excuse! The Ultimate Cleris fic was... Well... Pretty damn good, if you ask me!

Cloud and Aeris were, first of all, running towards each other in a big field of corn. You know, like hundreds and hundreds of parodies of whatever it was that started it off do... YOU KNOW! Running in slow-mo! Anyway, they were running towards each other in a big field of corn in slow-mo, as that annoying song played in the background.

_**Everybody's got something**_

_**They had to leave behind.**_

_**One regret from yesterday**_

_**That just seems to grow with time.**_

_**There's no use looking back**_

_**Or wondering**_

_**How it could be now**_

_**Or might have been.**_

_**All this I know but still I can't**_

_**Find ways to let you go.**_

And then, after running through the corn field, looking insanely happy, they ended up in an apple orchard, also looking insanely happy... Aeris hopped onto a random swing that was there, and Cloud started pushing her on it... In slow-mo, again!

_**I never had a dream come true**_

_**Until the day that I found you.**_

_**Even though I pretend that**_

_**I've moved on,**_

_**You'll always be my baby.**_

_**I never found the words to say:**_

_**'You're the one I think about each day'**_

_**And no matter where**_

_**Love takes me to,**_

_**A part of me will always be with you...**_

Finally, they went chocobo riding, still looking insanely happy. AND IN SLOW-MO!

_**Somewhere in a memory**_

_**I've lost all sense of time.**_

_**And tomorrow can never be**_

_**'Cause yesterday still fills my mind.**_

_**There's no use looking back**_

_**Or wondering.**_

_**How it should be now**_

_**Or might have been.**_

_**All this I know but still I can't**_

_**Find ways to let you go.**_

And then the song went instrumental, because Cloud actually hated that song, and I only put it there because Cloud's choice of song was inappropriate for a T rated fic... That's right. Children can still click onto this story, you know!

Anyway, they both crashed onto a bed back in the mansion after running in corn fields and getting pushed on/pushing a swing in an apple orchard and chocobo riding.

"Oh, Cloud! I love you!" Aeris said, now in a very romantic mood. "I love you so, so, sososososososososososososososososososososososososososoSO much!"

"Yes, I love you sosososososo... So..." Cloud said, and then counted on his fingers randomly. "So... Ah, I love you THAT much, too, Aeris!"

"Do you love me more than Tifa? Because I don't like Tifa! She tries to steal you from me!" Aeris asked, fiddling with her hair.

"Of course I love you more than Tifa! Much, much, MUCH more! Tifa's a slut, and I can just TELL she was sleeping with Vincent from the beginning!"

"Oh, that's good! And I agree with you! In the Happy Song she was the $20 whore!"

"Yes, and now, I must go to work!" Cloud said, jumping right off the bed. "I run Wal-Mart, you know."

"You do?" Aeris asked in a very naive way.

"Yes. There are only six companies in the world that can actually take it over, and I own one. They are: Wal-Mart, Square-Enix, Microsoft, Starbucks, McDonald's and Playboy." Cloud replied. "But, don't worry, honey. I'm looking into getting you Microsoft!"

"Oooh! Goodie!" Aeris beamed happily.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

"WHO DARES DISTURB THE ULTIMATE CLERIS FIC?" Cloud boomed, and then went downstairs.

Aeris blinked, and then after a while, decided to follow.

Who was at the door but...

...A PUNCH?

"OWCH!" Cloud yelled, after being punched in the face.

"CCCCCCCCCCLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!" Screamed Aeris in a very overdramatic way.

A mirror crashed and I decided to end this chapter. Too bad for you.

**BASS IT!**

Votes are in for Cloud Vs. Seymour as villains.

Cloud - 1 vote.

Seymour - 0 votes.

Oh well. No questions. Only Tishannia reviewed. Where is everyone? This is like... Zidane X Tidus World! XD Required joke. No, really.

Anyway, thanks to **1wngdngl **for the inspirations of the Ultimate Cleris Fic.

I guess this is TTFN... Again... Ciao!


	6. Okay, The Chapter Where I Realise, etc

**UNDYING PIE 2**

_I decided to stick another quick chapter up. Why? BECAUSE I LIKE UNDYING PIE! THAT'S WHY!  
_

_I don't own whatever. Let's just do this, okay? _

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**CHAPTER SIX - OKAY, THE CHAPTER WHERE I REALISE I'M MAKING THIS UP AS I GO ALONG**

Trust me. It is.

Well, after the mirror crashed, Cloud recovered, clutching his face.

"YOU STOLE AERIS!" Sephiroth yelled, grabbing Cloud's collar and shaking him randomly. "YOU BASTARD!"

"Cloud - That evil guy is shaking you!" Aeris yelled from the top of the steps. "The evil guy who tried to kill me! DO SOMETHING!"

So, Cloud, with a big red circle in the middle of his face, broke free and raised an angry shaking fist at Sephiroth.

"You tried to kill Aeris! YOU'RE the bastard!"

"No I didn't!" Sephiroth said, looking slightly puzzled.

"Yes you did!" Aeris squarked, jumping down and hiding behind Cloud. "You bastard!"

"You ARE a bastard!" Sephiroth yelled again, pointing at Cloud. "YOU EVEN BRAINWASHED HER TO THINK I'M THE BASTARD, BUT I'M NOT - THE ONLY BASTARD HERE IS **YOU**!"

"SHUN THE NON-BELIEVER!" Kadaj shouted, also raising a random angry shaking fist like Cloud did a few lines ago.

"SSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!" Tifa added. Those two had just appeared... Randomly.

"Hey, where's everybody else?" Sephiroth asked, sounding remarkably like Tidus.

"Floating down there somewhere, maybe..." Kadaj replied, sounding remarkably like that one Warrior Monk.

Well, yeah. Barret, Vincent, Cait Sith, Red XIII, Cid, Loz and Yazoo were kind of floating in the pond down at the front of the mansion... But they're not all that relevant right now.

"Anyway, for trying to kill Aeris and forcing her to marry you, I shall now defeat you!" Cloud cried, actually sounding pretty stupid. He whipped out the Buster Sword and threw it at Sephiroth. But it missed. By miles. And hit a wall.

"Dude, your aim sucks." Sephiroth said, with a look of disgust.

"Yeeaaahhh... Maybe I should stop throwing the Buster Sword..." Cloud said, shaking his head.

"Ahh... So THAT'S where it went!" A voice said.

Everyone looked and gasped in absolute SHOCK! ...SHOCK! (Predecessor of Fujin. SHOCK!) And who had reclaimed the Buster Sword after five... No, seven... No, five... No, seven... WHATEVER! Years but...

...ZACK! YYAAYYY!

"OHMYGODIT'SYOU!" Tifa screamed, pointing in horror, her face all pale and blank in... Horror, I guess.

"OhmyGodit'syoutoo." Zack said blankly, walking past her after pulling the Buster Sword out of the wall.

"...We all thought you were... Umm... Dead." Sephiroth said, scratching the back of his head.

"Yeah, well, you almost killed me in the reactor... And you almost killed Tifa, but I don't really care that you almost killed Cloud anymore."

"HEY!" Cloud yelled with his hands on his hips.

"You stole my sword!" Zack yelled back, with HIS hands on HIS hips, too.

"Yeah, well, I WATCHED YOU DIE!" Argued Cloud.

"Yeah, well, I didn't ACTUALLY die!"

"YOU GOT SHOT, LIKE, SIXTY TIMES!"

"Ugh! F-Y-I, Cloudo, ArcBus can have as many FF characters alive as she wants!"

Cloud paused, and then looked defeated.

"Argh... Touché..." He said, shaking his head slowly.

Aeris looked at him, and then felt guilty. And then she remembered something... Something... CRAZY! (Mua ha ha ha ha...)

"Well, I knew perfectly well that Zack was alive." She said, but really blankly. She'd been brainwashed by Cloud! You can't expect her to have a normal expression CONTANTLY! Gah!

"Really?" Everyone gasped. Except for Zack. Even Kadaj gasped! And Kadaj was still trying to place who the hell Zack was!

"Yes." Aeris said. And she sounded like Tio. And Tio sounds like Fujin. And Fujin sounds like Tio. It's a never ending cycle of robotic voices.

"Are you gonna tell everyone the story about what happened in 'that place'?" Zack asked nervously.

"Yes." Aeris said again.

"...Do you have to?"

"Yes."

"...Do you have to keep saying 'yes' constantly?"

"... ... ... ... ...Yes."

"So, what happened?" Cloud asked, since he wanted to know because he was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT convinced that Zack died. Okay, well, maybe like sixty percent... Okay, more like fifteen... Maybe ten... Yeah, ten percent.

"Well, it allll started at the Wall Market." Aeris said, as little sprinkly noises came on and went to a flashback...

**FLASHBAAAAAAAAACK! HOORAY!**

Anyway, Aeris was walking along randomly along the Wall Market, like she said. I don't know why.

Anyway, you probably don't care about Aeris walking along randomly. What you're REALLY interested in is Zack's point in this, right? Correct? Am I? I guess so! WHOO!

So, as Aeris was walking along, Zack was in that one bar on Wall Market. You know, the one where the drunken dressmaker hangs out.

"Hey, you're that drunken dressmaker, right?" Zack asked.

"Yup." The drunken dressmaker said. "But I ain't your father."

"I didn't say that..." Zack said, shaking his head.

"Why'dya care anyway?" He yelled, slamming his fists on the table. "If you're not SpongeBob, get lost!"

"I need you to do something."

"No yer don't." He said with a very sloppy voice.

"Listen, you made this piece of shit, right? You fix it. Quickly." Zack said and then threw some clothing at him. Hehehe... (I don't actually know where this flashback is going, I'm just making it up as I go along!)

Anyhoo, a little while later, Aeris walked into the bar. And she went up to the drunk clothing guy, who WASN'T sewing ANYTHING up. No, in fact, he was just drinking again.

"Umm... Oh, it's you, Mr. Drunken Dressmaker!" She said. "Have you seen my old school uniform that you made, like, years ago?"

"Mehh... I ain't seen nothin'..." The drunken dressmaker slurred. "Although, that girl over there's wearing a uniform right now... She don't really suit it though..."

"Girl over where?" Aeris asked, looking around.

"...Ahhh... SongeBob, where for art thou, SpongeBob?" He said. "Oh, girl on the stage singin' that old Broccoli Spears song..."

"Don't you mean 'Britney' Spears?" Aeris corrected him, but by that time he had started to ignore her. "(Sigh) Oh well... The girl on the stage?"

She directed her attention to the girl who was on stage, singing 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' and dancing like a slut in... Oooh, guess what? A school uniform!

"Yes! That's it, Mr. Dressmaker!" Aeris said. "That's my uniform! But how did it disappear from my room during the clearout of my wardrobe and end up here, I wonder...?"

And then, she looked closer.

"...Hey, hey, HEY! Wait! Are those my ribbons, too? Why is she...? HOW is she wearing my stuff?"

"She's wearing your stuff?" A random guy nearby asked her. "Wow, Miss, you're a really good fashion designer! You must work for the drunk dressmaker here, no?"

"Umm... No." Aeris replied. "This is messed up! She's wearing my old school uniform that she must have stolen! She's wearing my clothes, she's wearing my ribbons, she's..."

And then she took an even better look...

"...She's...! OMGZORZ NO WAY GOD NO!"

Aeris quickly dashed through the crowds to the front. The 'girl' looked down at her from the stage.

"_I must confe_eeee-E-E-E...! AERIS!"

"ZACK!" Aeris roared, jumping onto the stage and slapping him. "YOU... ... ... ... ... ...BITCH!"

"OWCH!"

**FLASHFORWAAAARD!**

"And that's the end of that story." Aeris said, closing a random giant book she got out of nowhere. "Now get the $£! out of my house."

"Oh my God, she's lying, right?" Tifa stuttered. "I mean, Cloud put alot of weird thoughts into her head, surely!"

"No, it's true." Zack admitted. "I was a Britney impersonator. But, hey, I got alot of money from it!"

"I don't think that's the point..." Sephiroth said, scratching the back of his head... Again.

"...Okay, so, you know, I'm just gonna get UltraFan to get rid of you all now..." Cloud said, trying to cover up the fact that he found the idea of Zack in a girl's uniform pretty hot... Sigh, what shall we ever do about that crazy Cloudo?

So, UltraFan teleported (yes, she can teleport) to the room.

"I'm here Cloud-Sama." UltraFan said.

"Hey it's that creepy fan girl we were looking for!" Tifa said, stating the obvious.

"Let's kill her!" Kadaj yelled, brandishing his dual-bladed sword that I always forget the name of. "If there's one thing I hate more than Loz, it's fan girls! Okay, so, maybe I hate Loz more than fan girls, but STILL!"

"You think you can kill me Kada-kun?" UltraFan smirked.

"Uhm, yeah... Because you're a stupid girlie and I've not matured yet so I can kickzorz your asszorz until it's sore...zorz."

And then, UltraFan punched Kadaj in the face and sent him flying outside.

"Holy shit she got Kadaj..." Tifa said, now looking quite worried.

"Who else wants to try?" UltraFan blinked in a crazy happy Anime fan girl way. "Sephy? Zax? Tifa-Chan?"

"Okay. Bring it." Sephiroth said, doing that cool thing that Neo does in the Matrix where he waves his arms around and then flicks his fingers like... 'Bring it on'!

"Oooooooooohhhhh!" Sephy is SOOOOOOOOOOOO dreamy!" UltraFan said, running towards him in slow motion.

"Ummm..." Sephiroth mumbled, looking confused. He thought UltraFan was going to attack him, like she did Kadaj, but no...

...No, in fact, it was much worse.

UltraFan was using her 'Swooning Bishonen Absorption Attack'! GASP! NOOOO!

Sephiroth swung the Masamune in her general direction, but she quickly avoided it and continued with her SWOOOOONING! But just before she was able to 'absorb' him, who jumped infront of Seph but...

...RAYMAN!

"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Rayman yelled in slow-motion, before dying an untimely death by being swooned and absorbed.

"Oh my God! You killed Rayman!" Tifa gasped.

"You BASTARD!" Zack yelled, continuing the 'bastard' thing at the beginning of the chapter.

"Great... Now who will tell us how many objects are in one Picasso picture?" Sephiroth said, almost sarcastically, shaking his head.

"Aeris, come with me." Cloud said, taking her wrist and pulling her along with him.

"Where are we going?" Aeris asked.

"We're going to Wal-Mart."

"Now..." UltraFan said in a disturbing way, rubbing her hands together. "I shall fly through the glass roof above and follow Cloud-Sama and Aeris-Chan!"

And then she did exactly that! Argh!

"Damn, she got away." Sephiroth said, turning to Tifa. "Now what?"

"...We... Leave...?" Tifa suggested.

And so, everyone went back to the 7th Heaven. So ends what was probably the longest scene EVER!

------------------------------------------------------------------

"Okay..." Sephiroth said, pacing around the 7th Heaven. "...Okay... ...Okay... ..."

Everyone watched him, waiting to find out what they should do.

"...Okay, so, basically Cloud and his psychotic fan girl have morphed Midgar to their likings, and there's no way we can undo it... That we know of, right?"

"Don't ya have a plan, Mr. Big-Shot-Hero?" Barret yelled.

"No..." Sephiroth replied, shaking his head at that stupid Barret, seeing as he wasn't a Big-Shot-Hero at all!

"Well, isn't there SOMEONE who can stop them?" Kadaj asked, since he was probably worried that Jenova had been affected, or something like that...

"Gackt?" Sephiroth suggested, since I was currently listening to December Love Song whilst writing this.

"William Shatner?" Barret said off the top of his head.

"The Nesquik Bunny?" Cid contributed, since he was probably high.

"Platypus Man?" Loz said.

"No, actually, I was thinking more along the lines of--" Kadaj said, but then was interrupted.

"...ARCBUS!" Tifa said brightly. "She'll know how we can stop Cloud! I mean, she IS the author! If she can't solve it, well, we may as well consider ourselves doomed!"

"Ti-faaa!" Kadaj whined. "**I** was gonna say that!"

But she just ignored him.

"Okay, but, where is ArcBus?" Sephiroth asked.

And then there was a long silence because... NO ONE KNEW! GASP! But then, THEN! Reeve's voice came on over Cait Sith.

"Umm, I couldn't help overhearing, since, well, you know..." Reeve said. "...But, I know where ArcBus is!"

"Hey, what happened to your Scottish accent?" Yazoo asked, quite confused.

"This is REEVE, you idiot! RE-E-E-EEVE!"

"...Who's Reeve?"

"...Forget it. Listen, to find ArcBus, you need to go to the Rainbow Saucer." Reeve continued.

"What the hell's Rainbow Saucer?" Cid asked, lighting a pipe, since he had run out of cigarettes.

"It's like the Gold Saucer, but instead of being an entertainment complex easily reached by the Ropeway, it's a purposeless complex that is nearly almost unreachable! Not even with a Gold Chocobo!"

And then everyone GASPED! Because they thought EVERYTHING was reachable with a Gold Chocobo!

"Well, we have to get to it anyway..." Tifa said, with her hands on her hips in the stance that she's in in most of her images. "I mean, ArcBus is the only person who can save us now!"

"Why don't we save a bunch of time and play the 'Believe in Yourself' card now?" Sephiroth asked.

She sighed, and shook her head angrily.

"Seph, you really are a sucky good guy, aren't you?"

**BASS IT!**

WOO! WOOHOO! UNDYING PIE HAS HIT YOUTUBE! If you wish for more details, PM me, or tell me in your review!

Is that all? Oooh, questions? ASK A QUESTION! I WANT REVIEWS! AND QUESTIONS! IT'S NEARLY MY BIRTHDAY! GIMME GIMME GIMME!

3 Luv y'all.

G'bye for now!


	7. The Many Wonders Of WalMart, etc

**UNDYING PIE 2**

_Ah, yes, my plan is working perfectly... Soon this world will be mi-i-- AHEM!!_

_Welcome back, readers. Hope you enjoy this lucky seventh, or sleventh, if you saw that one movie, chapter._

_I still don't own FF, unfortunately. But if I did, it's games would be like my stories. Yes, in fact, this would be FF7. So, make sure Square don't sell it to me, okay? Or this might just be the PS3 remake!_

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**CHAPTER SEVEN - THE MANY WONDERS OF WALMART AND CANDY MOUNTAIN!**

Yes, indeed that's where Cloud and Aeris were heading. WalMart. WalMart Junon, to be precise! They were on Cloud's amazing bike! That holds swords! WHOO! That is one cool bike! And if Cloud looks good on it, how good would ZIDANE look on it!? ...No? Nothing? Just you staring at me weirdly? Okay... I'll just go on with the story now, okies?

So, they were speeding along on the bike across the weird wastelands outside of Midgar, and singing a happy, happy tune! It was DDR's CANDY! YAY!

No, actually, that's quite a weird song, and it's in Japanese, so, instead, to make it easier for me, they were singing Livin' On A Prayer.

"WHHHHHHOOOOOOOA - I'M HALFWAY THERE! OH-OH! LIVIN' ON A PRAYER! TAKE MY HAND, AND WE'LL MAKE IT I SWEAR! OH-OH! LIVIN' ON A PRAYER!!!"

But, meanwhile, MEANWHILE, something very much more interesting was happening in another scene!

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"Kadaj, did you find anything about the Rainbow Saucer?" Tifa asked, when everyone had rendezvoused back at the 7th Heaven after a long, hard, and perhaps painful search for information of the Rainbow Saucer.

"No, but I did find this map to Candy Mountain!" Kadaj said brightly.

"Oh, déja-vu..." Sephiroth said, blinking.

"No, Seph! RENDEZ-VOUS!" Loz corrected him stupidly.

Sephiroth just stared at him.

"You know, Loz, I don't think you're cool enough to be in this scene."

And then he pushed him out of the saloon-style doors.

"Umm, so, we can't use the map to Candy Mountain?" Asked Kadaj, flaunting the map. No, really!

"Sounds like somewhere a Rainbow Saucer would be." Zack said, jumping up from a bar stool he was sat on. "To the Zack Cave!"

And then there was one of those random 60's-style Batman scene transitions, except with the outline of Zack's head and the Buster Sword instead of a bat. However, the scene didn't change. No. In fact, it just went back to the group, still in the 7th Heaven, doing exactly what they were before. Why? Because **I **say when the scene changes, buddy-boy, and it sure ain't changin' til I feel like it needs changin'!

"Ummm... Okay, we'll stay here then." Zack muttered, slumping back onto the bar stool.

"Do you really have a cave?" Kadaj asked. I mean, he still really wanted to know who the hell Zack was!

"No." He replied. "Well, I asked Lucrecia if I could rent her's for a little while, but I really don't think she was willing to let me..."

"Who's Lucrecia?" Sephiroth asked.

Vincent shifted uneasily, and everyone looked at him. He was about to break it to Sephiroth, when WHO burst in but... REEVE!

"Hey, guys!" Reeve said, avoiding Loz successfully. "Another terrorised hour in Midgar, huh?"

Everyone then turned their attention to him.

"Ooooooh... Sorry!! Was I interrupting something!?"

"I'm sure it wasn't relevant." Sephiroth said, and once again I can feel proud with the use of dramatic irony! WOOHOO!

"Well, okay then!" Reeve grinned perkily. "So, I found this map to the Rainbow Saucer! Did you know it's actually at a mountain of candy!? Candy Mountain!!"

Everyone glanced at each other.

"Ummm... Yeah, we sorta have a copy of that map already..." Kadaj said nervously, yet still flaunting that crazy piece of paper!

"Ooohh..." Murmured Reeve, disappointed. "W-Well... Umm... O-Okay, I'll just leave you guys... Alone now..."

Then, as Nobuo began a sad violin solo of 'All By Myself', Reeve staggered out of the doorway slowly, looking over his shoulder every so often at the others. As he approached the end of his long, sad walk of shaaaaame, it began to rain outside, and thunder and lightning soon followed. So, Reeve walked slowly and sadly into the storm (which wasn't Undying, by the way). If you're wondering about Loz, don't worry, he had an umbrella with him, just to make Reeve look more pathetic.

Reeve turned at the saloon doors, and looked over the top at the group. They all shifted uneasily again, and from time to time glanced at him to see if he had gone. After five minutes of uncomfortable silence and tension, Reeve walked slowly and sadly away from the doorway. But then, THEN, he reappeared at the window, the rain on the glass dripping down a stream to make it look like a tear. Everyone continued to shift and glance, except for Yazoo, who was now quite annoyed. He shut the blind on the window, so all there was to be seen was a shadowy outline of Reeve's head. After a few minutes of everyone watching the outline, there was a depressed sigh, and footsteps, as Reeve walked away.

Everyone felt quite sorry for Reeve. Except Yazoo, and probably Sephiroth... Maybe Zack, too... And Cid, and surely Barret... And Tifa, and yeah, of course, Vincent! In that effect, Loz! So, alright, no one felt sorry for him! Except Kadaj... No, Kadaj wasn't bothered either!

Then, the rain stopped, and the sky cleared, and it was all... Brightish again... Well, obviously not, because of the awful fan-made terrorisation going on, but at least the storm had stopped, and Nobuo had gone too.

"Okay, now what!?" Asked Yazoo, since he was getting kind of impatient.

"We have to get to the Rainbow Saucer!" Tifa replied. "C'mon, guys! Let's move!"

Sephiroth shook his head.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"I won't leave the city without Aeris." He said. "I can't - Knowing she's with Cloud!"

"...For a bad good guy, that's almost the spirit!" Cid said, but everyone was confused at his quote, since... It didn't really make much sense!

"Well, anyway..." Sephiroth said after a while. "I'm not going anywhere outside the city until Aeris is back safely."

"C'mon, Seph!!" Everyone pleaded.

"NO! There's no way you're getting me out of this city!!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

"... ... ...I can't believe you got me out of the city!!"

Sephiroth looked over his shoulder at the fading outline of Midgar.

"According to this map, the Rainbow Saucer should beeeee..." Kadaj said, then having to do 'Never Eat Shredded Wheat' and pointing in a random direction. "That way!!!"

So, everyone just went in that direction. Why were they really trusting Kadaj in the first place? Welll... Dunno. But at least they were going SOMEWHERE instead of just sitting around like the FFX gang would do! I'm looking at YOU, Yuna!!!

Suddenly, there was a slight rumble in the ground, and a drill popped up infront of them from under the ground! Then, it went back down, and more began to appear around!

As you can imagine, everyone was like 'WTF!?'

"A gopher?" Vincent asked, since he hadn't said much in a while.

"No... It's a MOLE!!" Barret yelled weirdly, quickly changing his gun-arm to a giant hammer.

"Howdy!" Reeve said, popping up from one of the holes, wearing a yellow hard hat with a light attached to it. Much like Bob the Builder! Or, more realistically, Haul from Rave Master.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT SPOOOOKE!!!!!!!" Cried Loz. "DEMON MOLE!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! DEEEEEEEEEEEEEMOOOOOOOON MOOOOOOOOOOOLEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And then, Barret jumped forward, and bopped Reeve on the head with his hammer. But, Reeve reappeared at another hole. So, Barret jumped to that hole, and bopped hi, down again. But Reeve just came back at another hole! So, Barret began playing Whack-A-Mole, but not with a mole, with Reeve, so it was Whack-A-Reeve! Fun, no?

Everyone else was still like 'WTF!?', watching Barret behave like an utter lunatic.

But then, THEN, one devastating blow sent Reeve down the hole, but who popped out of another hole but... ELMYRA! She landed on the ground. Not back in a hole. Heh.

"OH MY GOD!!!!" Barret yelled. "ELMYRA!!!/ What were YOU doing down there!!?"

"Reeve was creating a stone chamber for me." Elmyra said, looking pissed off as always at Barret. "I was trying to suffocate myself!!! UNTIL YOU FORCED ME OUTTA THERE!!!"

She raised a shaking fist, jumped up, dusted herself off, resumed shaking her shaking fist, then ran off back to Midgar like the crazy woman she most certainly is.

"Ooookay... I've seen the Mother act weirdly, but not like THAT before!" Zack said with a look of bewilderment.

"Oh, I was reluctant when she told me she was committing suicide, but, hey, friends help each other out, right?" Reeve said, popping out of a hole with lots of hammer-shaped dents him his hard hat.

"So, it WASN'T a Demon Mole..." Barret said. "Could've fooled me!"

"Clearly..." He continued. "Ahem, well, I was wondering if you guys were, umm, in need of any help? I mean, like I said, friends help each other out, right?"

Everyone was reluctant to answer. They didn't want Reeve hanging about at all! Hell no! But, they didn't really want to hurt his feelings, either.

"Uh, we left Cait Sith in the 7th Heaven!" Cid finally said. "You can do us a favour and take him apart for us!"

"REALLY!!?" Reeve said with biiiiiiiiiiiiiig sparkly Anime-style eyes. "Oh BOY! Oh BOY!"

And then, he headed back to Midgar after Elmyra, running whilst waving his arms about frantically like a little girl running for the last swing at the park.

"Well, anyway, this is most defiantly the way to Candy Mountain and the Rainbow Saucer!" Kadaj said with a smug little grin. "Follow me!"

Then, everyone followed Kadaj, as the screen pulled out to reveal the vast lands they were crossing, and Lord of the Rings music came on.

'And so, the Fellowship continued to search for the mountain of candy and the sacred Rainbow Saucer, in hopes of finding the mighty ArcBus, and discovering a way to put an end to--'

"PETEY! DINNER'S READY!" A random female voice yelled.

'MOM! I'm trying to narrate the story!!!'

"YOU CAN NARRATE IT LATER, YOUR BROCCOLI'S GETTING COLD!!!"

'Ugh, fine!! So, they went to the place, blah, blah, blah, events happened, blah, blah, the end.'

------------------------------------------------------------------

Soon, they were all walking through a forest. It wasn't a bright, happy forest. It wasn't a dark, scary forest. It was just a plain old boring forest.

"COMPANY HALT!!" Kadaj shouted, and everyone immediately stopped.

"...Oh what the hell it that?" Sephiroth said, looking up at a... Thing.

"It's a Leoplurodon, Sephiroth!" Kadaj said happily. "A MAGICAL LEOPLURODON! It will tell us the way to Candy Mountain!"

"...Yup, Déja-vu..." He blinked.

The Leoplurodon yelped a weird cry.

"It has SP-O-O-KENN!!" Kadaj yelled, and walked off. Everyone followed.

"...It didn't say anything!!!" Sephiroth argued, not purposefully trying to copy his dream.

Oh well. He just sighed and followed too.

------------------------------------------------------------------

After a while, the gang got to a bridge over a large valley. Where? I dunno. Don't try to find it on the map of the Midgar continent, cuz it's secret and even I don't know where the hell it is!

Anyway, unlike Sephiroth's dream at this point, it wasn't a rickety wooden bridge. No. In fact, far from it. Instead of it being a tiny rickety wooden bridge, it was a HUGE STURDY IRON bridge! HOORAY! So, it was perfectly safe for the big group to cross!

But, as soon as Kadaj took the first step onto it, a wave of black billowed, and WHO appeared but... AXEL! YAY! He called up a bunch of Nobodies and blocked the bridge.

"Hey. Reno. Move." Sephiroth said.

"I'm not Reno!" Axel said, sounding rather insulted. Or maybe not, but he had a high-pitched voice. "Name's Axel. Got it memorised!?"

"Ohh." Everyone chorused. They then remembered that, yes, in fact, it was Axel! He sure had them confused there!

"It's true. He doesn't have the stupid fake British accent!" Tifa commented.

"Okay. Axel. Move." Sephiroth said.

"Mmmm... No!"

"But we need to get to Candy Mountain! The Leoplurodon said it was across this bridge!" Kadaj whined.

"I can't let you across!"

"Why the hell not!?" Barret growled, waving his gun-arm-hammer about, since he hadn't bothered to change it.

"Cuz Cloud told me not to!!" Axel replied with his hands on his hips resisting the urge to say 'Got it memorised?' again. As soon as he said this, a glass shattered, and everyone gasped.

"Cloud!?" Cid yelled. I mean, he didn't think that Organisation XIII were really Cloud's flunkies, so he had to ask... "Why the hell'dya do what that stupid kid ordered you to do!?"

"Because..." Explained Axel in a very angsty tone. "If I didn't... He said... He would... KILL ROXAS!!"

Then, he shrieked, and then got out a random keyboard to play a horror tune, and then he smashed a glass melodramatically. After which he did all the three things at once, and ended with another loud shriek. All the Nobodies disappeared in terror. He had scared them off! Whoa!

By the time his little routine had ended, the FF7 team had already crossed the bridge effortlessly!

"BYE AXEL!" They all called back, waving, before walking into the random forest on the other side. It wasn't a bright, happy forest. It wasn't a dark, scary forest. It was just a plain old boring forest.

"... ...Shit!!" Axel said, looking around nervously.

Then, he just sat down on the bridge, all alone.

"Oh well." He said, cheering up. "At least I still have my ROXAS PLUSHIE!!!"

Then, he whipped out his Roxas plushie, and began hugging it adorably, pulling the cord every so often so it would say 'You are my best friend!' and 'I hate Naminé!'

Five minutes or so later, another wave of black billowed, and out popped Saïx!

"Oh, there you are. We've been looking all over for you." Saïx said. "Well, come on. We've gotta go back and carry out whatever plan Xemnas is planning..."

"B-B-But... I'm hugging my Roxas plushie!!" Axel cried.

"I love you Axel!" The Roxas plushie squealed.

"My GOD, man!" Saïx snorted, disgusted. "Grow up already!"

Then, he got out a lighter, held it under the plushie and burnt it to a jauntily ash that fell right through Axel's fingers.

Axel looked horrified, then drew in a deep breath, and screamed the biggest and most dramatic 'NOOOO' EVER! Birds flew from the trees, rocks started to fall from the valley. Nightwish began to then play 'The End Of All Hope' in the background, and Saïx had to plug his ears and run off so that his ear drums didn't... Well... EXPLODE INTO TINY LITTLE FRAGMENTS!

After about four minutes, or the duration of the song, everyone began walking again after stopping to think 'WTF!?' at the loud noises.

"What the hell was that!?" Zack asked.

"Beats me." Yazoo shrugged.

No one else knew, either, so they continued to walk on... Like I already said they were doing.

------------------------------------------------------------------

"Well, what do you know? There really IS a Candy Mountain." Sephiroth said, when they'd stopped at a HUGE pile of candy that rose into the sky.

"The Rainbow Saucer will be at the top!" Kadaj said brightly. "We have to climb up to get to it!"

And, blankly, still just going along with what Kadaj was telling them to do since he had the map and there was no other hope to save Aeris and defeat Cloud and restore order to Midgar, everyone began to climb the mountain of candy. Except for Loz. No. Loz sat happily on the ground, and began eating the candy.

"YUM!" He said, taking a big bite from a large handful he'd ripped off. "I LOVE CANDY!"

No one really noticed that Loz had stayed down, so they just carried on. Not like they would wait for him anyway...

After they had disappeared into the clouds, which wasn't a very long time since I sped it up, Axel walked towards the mountain sadly.

"Aw, not even a Goddamn giant mountain of candy could cheer me up right now!"

"Really!?" Loz spluttered through a mouthful of sugary stuff. He was beginning to burst out of his pants at that time. Eww.

"Yeah..." Axel said sadly, shaking his head. "Stupid Saïx... Burning my plushie..."

Then, there was a long, LONG silence. Well, asides from the disgusting sound of Loz filling his face.

"... ... ..."

"... (munch) ... (scoff) ... (munch) ..."

"... ... ..."

"... (munch) ... (scoff) ... (munch) ..."

"... ... ..."

"... (munch) ... (scoff) ... (munch) ..."

"... ... ..."

"... (munch) ... (scoff) ... (munch) ..."

"... ... ..."

"... (munch) ... (scoff) ... (munch) ..."

"... ... ..."

"... (munch) ... (scoff) ... (munch) ..."

"... ... ..."

"... (munch) ... (scoff) ... (munch) ..."

"... ... ..."

"... (munch) ... (scoff) ... (munch) ..."

"... ... ..."

"... (munch) ... (scoff) ... (munch) ..."

"... ... ..."

"... (munch) ... (scoff) ... (munch) ..."

"... ... ..."

"... (munch) ... (scoff) ... (munch) ..."

"... ... ..."

"... (munch) ... (scoff) ... (munch) ..."

"... ... ..."

"... (munch) ... (scoff) ... (munch) ..."

"... ... ..."

"... (munch) ... (scoff) ... (munch) ..."

"... ... ..."

"... (munch) ... (scoff) ... (munch) ..."

"... ... ..."

"... (munch) ... (scoff) ... (munch) ..."

"...Sigh... Maybe some candy WILL make me feel better..."

Axel walked over to the mountain, and broke off a candy cane, then sat next to Loz and began sucking on it.

"...Aw, it just doesn't compensate for Roxas!"

Loz stared at him weirdly. He didn't see the double meaning, he just didn't understand why Axel wasn't happy due to the CANDY!

Whoa... Anyway...

------------------------------------------------------------------

...Yeah... Whoa... Anyway, the rest of the group, who still didn't realise Loz had stayed behind to EAT, had reached the top of the mountain! YAY!

"Oh, look, it's the Rainbow Saucer." Vincent said dully, pointing towards the Rainbow Saucer, which was just like the Gold Saucer, except in rainbow colours! YAY!

"WHOO! Let's go!" Kadaj said, now ver happy and excited.

They all bounced over the clouds to the Rainbow Saucer! YAY! And then, who greeted them at the base but... ARCBUS! YAY!

"What the hell are you doing here!?" ArcBus yelled.

"We came to ask you to stop writing Cloud so crazy!" Tifa said. "And to set everything back to how it was in the first Undying Pie!"

"What!? You want the deranged fan club back!? No, figure out your own problems!!!" ArcBus shouted, because she is a sour bitch. "Go fight Cloud like I've written you to do!!!"

Then, she pulled a lever, and Sephiroth, Tifa, Zack and Cid fell through the floor, back down to the ground.

"AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" They screamed, clutching onto each other.

"Aw, I've been meaning to get a bigger hatch..." ArcBus said, shaking her head, before pulling another lever.

All the others then fell through another hatch, too.

"AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" They also screamed, also clutching onto each other.

"...Stupid characters." ArcBus said, before glancing at her watch. "Oooh! Damn! I've gotta start writing the rest of the story!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

So, when they all landed on the ground, obviously they were in two different places. Let's see where Sephiroth, Tifa, Zack and Cid had landed! Why... Through a glass roof! Ouch... Well, they were okay, because they're INVINCIBLE, but...

...They had landed...

...AT WAL-MART HQ!

"DAMMIT!!" Cloud yelled, standing infront of a crowd of very scared staff members. "I was hoping you'd want to come bursting right through the doors!!"

They all looked towards the front doors, which were completely nailed shut up with wooden planks, metal bars and chains and locks.

"Really?" Sephiroth asked, brushing the broken glass off of him. "You didn't think of the glass roof?"

"No." Cloud said sheepishly.

"Oh." Sephiroth said blankly.

Then, there was a few seconds of silence.

"How did you get through the roof, anyway?" Cloud asked eventually.

"We fell from the Rainbow Saucer." Tifa replied.

"The Rainbow Saucer!?" He echoed... Kinda. "B-BUT...!! Didn't Axel stop you!!?"

"Oh, he did..." Cid said. "But we got past him when he was mumbling on about you threatening him."

"I see." Cloud said darkly. "Then I have no choice but to punish him. I will live up to my threat! ROXAS WILL DIE!!"

Then, suddenly, the floor opened up, and a table with Roxas strapped to it rose up.

"...GODDAMMIT, AXEL!!" Roxas cried, before screaming practically every swear word in the book as a giant laser came down and pointed at him.

"Hey, you can't kill him just because we're here!" Tifa shouted. "Cloud, how awful of you!"

"Yeah, you're right." Cloud said, smirking. "I should wait until Axel comes back so he can WATCH HIM DIE!!!"

He followed up with a manic laugh. Some random Wal-Mart staff came and unstrapped Roxas from the table and carried him off somewhere.

"Right, so... Where's Aeris!?" Sephiroth asked.

"In a safe place!" Cloud replied with a nod, since he was thinking ahead like a good villain!

"...Yeeeaaah, but where!?"

"...Not telling!"

"...DAMMIT!"

After a little while longer arguing, they both withdrew their swords, and glared at each other fiercely.

And, guess what?

ArcBus typed...

**BASS IT!**

WHOO HOO! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY ON WEDNESDAY! YAY! 25TH! WHOOOOOOOO!

(Wipes away tears) I've just been watching something onYouTube that made me laugh insanely... But, that isn't really relevant at the moment.

I GOT A QUESTION! YAY! Thankyou, Tishannia!

**Tishannia: **Why the hell is Rayman in here? And more importantly, who the hell is he? (is backwards xP)

ArcBus: Rayman is the hero of the game series... Rayman. He has weird hair, a big nose, no neck, arms or legs, just a floating head, body, hands and feet... Like one of the elementals from FFX! He knows too much, hence Seph's line 'Who will tell us how many objects are in one Picasso picture now?', or on the commentary of Brother Bear, by the Moose...es... 'I could tell you how many hand prints are on the wall, if I was Rayman'. As for why he's here... I dunno. I'm shoving in a load of random crossovers.

Well, yes, anyway, thanks to all reviewers... And keep reviewing!

Bye for now!


	8. More Misadventures Of WalMart

**UNDYING PIE 2**

_I like pie that is undying._

_Whoa, this is my first update since I turned 15! Tee-hee-hee!_

_(This is teh disclaimer zomg lolz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1! i pwan joo)_

_Anyway, without further ado... LET'S GO!_

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**CHAPTER EIGHT - MORE MISADVENTURES OF WALMART**

After Cloud and Sephiroth both drew their swords, they glared at each other for a while, before Zack stepped in.

"Wait, don't fight over me guys!" He said, since that's what happens in Sephiroth/Zack/Cloud fics, no? Well, usually it's Zack/Cloud/Sephiroth, and Zack and Sephiroth fight over Cloud, but, you know, whatever.

"Huh...?" Cloud murmured, looking slightly confused.

Zack nudged Sephiroth.

"Psst! You go find Aeris!" He whispered. "I'll distract Cloud!"

Sephiroth nodded, and stepped back.

"Hey, Cloud!" Zack yelled, as the other three ran off secretly to find Aeris.

"...Yeah?" Cloud said suspiciously.

"I wanna show you something!"

"REALLY!?" He squealed excitedly.

"Yeah!"

"WHAT!?"

"My homoerotic dance routines!"

"...WHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!?"

Cloud fell over from shock. All the staff members gasped, and screamed, and ran away.

"WH-H-H-A-A-A-ATTTT do you MEAN homoerotic dance routines!?" He cried.

"I mean I wanna show you what I learnt from watching Gackt, like, five million times!!"

"GACKT!? OH MY GOD - NO!!! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!"

But it was no use. Cloud was already distracted... And... I'm not gonna even describe what happened!!

------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, basically, meanwhile... Umm... Yeah, meanwhile, Barret and the others were trying to find them by going back to Candy Mountain and going back up to request ArcBus to drop them through the other hole down to where the others were. Who thought of this incredibly intellectual idea? Why, Vincent, of course! I mean, who else would think of a plan THAT good!?

Kadaj was leading them all back towards Candy Mountain, again using the map he had grown very fond of.

"Company HALT!" He yelled, and everyone stopped and walked into each other comically. "According to the map, Candy Mountain should be right here!"

But, Candy Mountain was no where in sight. In fact, where it should have been, sat a very depressed Axel, and next to him a VERY, VERY fat and bloated was Loz blobbed on the ground.

Everyone's jaws dropped.

"Loz, so, you were here?" Yazoo asked. "We thought you'd gone back to Midgar."

Loz made a mumbling sound, kind of.

"... ...Umm... ..." Red XIII said. "Did you... Eat... Candy Mountain?"

Looking particularly guilty, he nodded. Then everyone looked towards Axel. But he was still WAAAAY too thin to have appeared to have eaten ANYTHING! He just looked back at them.

"Yeaaah?"

"You were... Threatened by Cloud, no?" Vincent enquired.

"Yeah, what about it?"

Everyone suddenly shuddered at his freakish similarity to Reno, before quickly pulling themselves to.

"Cloud tied to stop us from going to the Rainbow Saucer. Obviously not because ArcBus could help us, because it was right above his destination." Vincent said, very intelligently. "So the others might be there."

"Yeah, Reno-Clone-Dude, do you know where Cloud is?" Kadaj asked quickly.

Axel stood.

"First of all, it's A-X-E-L. Got it memorized?"

"Got what, what!?" Blinked Kadaj, looking particularly confused.

"MY NAME!! It's Axel! Got it memorized!?"

"Uh, yeah, sure, why not. Look, can you just tell us where Cloud is!?"

Everyone shuddered again as Axel pulled a Reno smirk.

"Only if there's something in it for me!"

"Well, what is it that you want?" Kadaj decided to appease him.

"I want... ... ... TO SAVE MY BELOVED ROXAS!!!"

And suddenly, he screamed out loud, and birds flew out of the trees, and everyone's ears hurt, and a random glass smashed, yadda yadda yadda, I've done this so many times before...

"Who is this Roxas, anyway...?" Yazoo asked. I doubt he's of KH-fetish.

"Yeah, I was wondering that too!" Barret said for the same reason.

"Roxas is my boyfriend!" Axel replied, folding his arms with a very proud look.

"You mean GIRLFRIEND." Loz corrected him, rolling over, his bulging layers of fat wobbling. "Guys have GIRLFRIENDS."

No one bothered to correct HIM. They just shook their heads at that rather stupid oblivious to Yaoi Loz.

"Is he REALLY your boyfriend?" Yazoo asked inquisitively.

"YES!!" Yelled Axel defensively.

"Oh..."

"Look, I want Roxas back from Cloud. I'll show you where he is if you PROMISE you'll help me save him!"

"I dunno..." Kadaj said. "You ARE from the Turks... Not sure if we should trust you..."

"What is there for you to los-- W-Wait, what do you mean from 'the Turks'!?"

"Uhhhh... Forget it. We accept your offer, so, take us to Cloud."

And everyone began to follow Axel off into the forest on their way to the WalMart HQ in Junon.

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"I sure hope Zack's okay..." Tifa said nervously.

She was running alongside Sephiroth and Cid through a random WalMart corridor overlooking happy shoppers in the main store below.

"Whoa! Discount jerky!" Cid said, pushing his face up against the window.

"Cid! C'MON! Focus!" Tifa chided, pulling him back along.

Sephiroth opened a random door.

"Aeris!?" He yelled, going inside.

But all that waited in the room was... A RANDOM BATTLE! Which was finished in about five seconds.

"_Dudududuududududuuuuu..._" Went the victory theme.

"Well, that was easy." Sephiroth said, though it would be easy for him since he's level... 80 or something. You know, a really high level that makes all random battles disappointingly easy...

He looked back at Tifa and Cid who were at the doorway.

"She's not in here."

"Let's try the next room!" Tifa suggested, and opened the next door along.

But, alas, there was another random battle! Which was finished in about ten seconds. Because Tifa's only level 40. Half the level means twice the time! DO THE MATH!!!

"Well, she's not in here either." She said.

"I see where this is going - We have to open every door along the hallway, and face every random battle against Cloud's weak and feeble minions wasting time trying to find Aeris even though she won't be in any of the rooms only to find someone in the last room who knows where she is and will help but only if we run a minor errand for them!" Cid summarised practically every RPG 'find a kidnapped character' field.

"True." Sephiroth said. "Let's just skip to the end room - I'm sure we don't really need the experience points."

So, that's what they did, and all the random battles where like 'SHIT!!'.

Well, Sephiroth opened the door, and went in, and then there was the BOSS BATTLE! GASP! Which was finished in about 90 seconds.

"Couldn't Cloud get any better random battles or bosses?" Tifa asked, shaking her head.

"Guess WalMart's having financial problems..." Sephiroth shrugged it off. "Well, even though there was a boss battle, Aeris isn't here."

"But I'M HERE!!"

They turned there attention to Roxas, who was tied to a chair in the corner.

"Hey, you were right Cid, there is someone in the last room who might know where she is!" Tifa said, walking over to Roxas. "Hey, do you know where a girl named Aeris is?"

"Uh, yeah, she's--"

"WAIT, WAIT, WAAAIT!!" Cid interrupted. "You can't just TELL us! We've gotta run some kind of errand for you first!"

Roxas shook his head.

"No, I can just--"

"SERIOUSLY!! It can't be that easy!!! What can we do for you first!?"

"Uuuuuummm... You guys can untie me!"

So, they freed him from the horror of being strapped to the chair.

"Thanks! So, anyway, she-"

"No, no, WAIT!" Tifa said. "That was still too easy! Are you sure there's nothing else we have to do?"

"Ummm..." Roxas said thoughtfully. "Well... I guess you could help me escape from this place after you find her."

"But we would have done that anyway! C'mon, there must be something else we can do for you!"

"Ummm..."

He thought for a little while longer, and then replied.

"Well, there's someone who keeps stalking me. And it's really, REALLY annoying! If I help you, will you make them stop? With violence?"

"Sure." Sephiroth agreed, not even stopping to think who it might be. "Just show us where Aeris is."

"Ummm... I don't know EXACTLY where she is. I only know she's in the Conference Room on the top floor. At least, that's what the staff members said."

"Well, guess we have to find this Conference Room then..."

"Yay. Finding time." Tifa said, very unenthusiastically for her character, weirdly enough. I presume she was tired. "Yay."

So, the four of them quickly went off to find the Conference Room. Doy. As if that wasn't the most obvious thing ever! Ummm... YEAH! AS IF IT WASN'T THE **MOST **OBVIOUS THING **EVER**!!!!!

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"Hey, so, Reno..." Kadaj said.

"Axel." Axel corrected him. "Got it memorized!?"

"Axel, right..."

The other group was now being lead by, umm... Axel. As you probably figure, they were heading for WalMart Junon.

"So, umm... Are you related to Reno?" Kadaj asked, now beginning to tick him off.

"No. I'm a Nobody. The only family I technically have is my Other, which is technically me." He replied.

"So, is Reno your 'Other'?"

"Well--"

"Hey, look!!" Barret yelled, pointing. "It's Junon! So, you DIDN'T steer us wrong, Reno!"

"That's AAAAAAAAAXEL!!!" Axel roared.

He created a wall of fire around himself, and then ran after Barret, who ran away screaming instantly, casting multiple Firaga spells at him, all the time shouting 'GOT IT MEMORIZED!!!?'

The others all sweat dropped. Guess they'd really pushed him over the limit by calling him Reno too much, hmmm?

"I guess we've really pushed him over the limit by calling him Reno too much, hmmm?" Yazoo... Yeah, I know...

"Yeah, well, he really, REALLY, REALLYREALLYREALLY looks like him!!" Kadaj squeaked. Literally. "I mean, I'm starting to think this... Anvil?"

"Axel."

"Yeah, this Anvil could be connected to Reno somehow!"

"Like we are connected to Sephiroth?"

And then it suddenly hit Kadaj! But it didn't hurt him though. It wasn't hard.

"(GASP!!) Yazoo, I just realised!! Anvil could be related to Reno like we are connected to Sephiroth!!!!"

Yazoo just rolled his eyes and walked off after the others, who had already begun to follow Axel and Barret's screaming flame grilled semi-corpse, as Kadaj began blabbering on about it.

"YES! It makes PERFECT sense! This is why Reno didn't want us to have Mother's head! He wanted it for himself so that when Anvil came along, he could take Mother's head and start his own Reunion!!! That bastard!!! How dare he!!!? Try to sail the Cosmos with my-- H-H-HEY!! GUYS!!! WAIT UP!!!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

To save a lot of time, Sephiroth and the other three (formally known as Tifa, Cid, and the newly present Roxas), had already burst into the Conference Room. In which there was no conference. Just... Aeris.

"AERIS!!!" Sephiroth yelled, flinging his arms around her. He's OOC, I know. "I'm so glad you're okay!!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Aeris screamed. "HHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S THE GUY WHO TRIED TO KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE'S TRYING TO SUFFOCATE MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Roxas turned to Tifa.

"Ummm... I've missed ALOT, haven't I?" He said.

To which she nodded.

"I'll explain later."

"What? Aeris, it's me!!!" Sephiroth said, shaking her. "Cloud has brainwashed you!! Snap out of it!!!! It's ME! SEPHIROTH!!"

"Seph... Ir... Oth...?" Aeris said with a confused look. "Y-Yes, I remember! You tried to take over the Planet! AND you tried to kill me!!"

"N-No, I--"

"It's no use, Sephiroth!!" Cloud said, appearing at the doorway with a team of guards. "All Aeris knows of now is mostly canon!"

Everyone backed away as he walked into the room.

"Hmm... I see you've escaped with their help, Roxas. But there's no way you can get out of this building alive!" Cloud said, and then cackled malevolently.

"T-That's not true!!!" Roxas shrieked. "A-Axel's coming for me!!! And when he comes, he'll kick your ass!! And then get his ass kicked by these guys for stalking me..."

"Oh, puh-leeze! Sure, he's coming, and once he gets here, you're DEAD, my dear little boy-bitch."

Everyone was silent.

"Urrhh... You sure that's something you wanna be sayin' around security?" Cid said, indicating the guards at the doorway.

"Hmm? Oh, it's alright, they're all my bitches too."

And then, everyone sweat dropped heavily, even the guards, who backed away slowly from that crazy creepy Cloudo (hurray for alliteration!).

But then, THEEEN, it was time to...

**BASS IT!**

Phewf, four months on, there, the eighth chapter.

Hope you enjoyed, leave a review, **ASK A QUESTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

And wait with anticipation for the next instalment! YAY!

TTFN!! 3


	9. It's HOW Big?

**UNDYING PIE 2**

_Chapter nine is here, and it's filled with the good, wholesome randomness you so desire._

_Enjoy!_

_(I don't own FF and all its components. Kweh.)_

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**CHAPTER NINE -** **IT'S HOW BIG!!!?**

The second group had now reached Junon, after following the sparkly flames of Axel torching Barret.

"Phwef..." Barret said, jumping into the sea to cool down, but then he got shocked by the electricity thingy. Dumbass. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!!"

"Get out of the water, Mister, you'll hurt Mr. Dolphin!!" Priscilla cried, but went TOTALLY unnoticed. HOORAY!

Kadaj glared at Axel as he led the group towards the lift up to the top city.

"Okay, it's just a little further to WalMart." He explained, before thrusting a chakaram into the guard on watch of the lift, because he didn't have 10 gil. Hahahaha.

"Ugghh... No, please, have mercy!" The guard groaned as he pulled the chakaram back out of him. "I-I don't want to die, n-not yet!"

"Yeah, I can't hear THAT enough."

So, everyone proceeded up the lift. Except for Barret. But we'll see him again soon, I'm sure.

"Kadaaaaaaaj..." Yazoo mumbled in a whisper, nudging him when the lift started. "Stop glaring at Axel!"

"But he... He wanted Mother's head for his own Reunion!!!!" Kadaj whispered back.

"No he didn't."

Yazoo shook his head. Kadaj was being far too stubborn for him to care at that time, about anything other than his theory that Axel and Reno were planning a Reunion with Jenova's head, which you should know, if you PAYED ATTENTION TO THE LAST CHAPTER!!!!! Which is also ludicrous, since neither of them are Jenovites. Baka Kada-kun!

"Well, kiddies, here we are." Axel said, as the lift stopped in the middle of a square courtyard, completely surrounded by huge buildings. "All of this is WalMart Junon."

Everyone's jaws dropped.

"You're kidding." Red XIII gasped.

"Cloud, that is OVER. The. Line." Vincent said blankly.

"Wow, talk about shock with a capital 'S'." Axel (sort of) digressed in his own special linguistic system. "Man, this place is bigger than I remembered. And, seriously, I was only here, what, yesterday? I already miss Roxas! Phwef, anyway, I forgot this place is, like, what, five times bigger than Universal Studios?"

"IT'S HOW BIG!!!?" Everyone else yelled.

"Five times bigger than Universal Studios. Got it memorized?"

"You do mean Universal Studios in the Mediterranean, right?" Yazoo asked.

"Yeah."

"Oh." Everyone said. THAT they could understand.

"Okay, we've gotta go through the store." Axel said, going all commando. No, not THAT way. Sorry to disappoint any Axel fan girls reading.

"Why?" Kadaj asked, mentally adding _'Because Mother's in there and you want to steal her?'_

"Because Mother's in there and I want to steal her."

"What?"

"Because Cloud's probably barricaded the main doors shut, Dipshit! Now let's MOVE!"

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Meanwhile, Sephiroth, Tifa, Cid and Roxas were escaping through the hallways with the kicking and screaming Aeris in their possession.

"TIFA!!! CID!!! ANONYMOUS BLONDE BOY!!!" She cried, flung over Sephiroth's shoulder. "WHY!!!? WHY ARE YOU WORKING FOR HIM!!!!?"

"We're not! We're just helping him rescue you!!" Tifa said, running behind them.

"RESCUE ME FROM **WHAT**!!!?"

"Hey guys!" Zack said perkily, suddenly appearing and running next to them.

"ZACK! ZACK!!!" Aeris screeched. "HELP ME!!!!"

"Sorry Aer, nothing I can do." He smirked.

"OH, YOU WORK FOR HIM TOO!? LIKE TIFA! AND CID! AND THE ANONYMOUS BLONDE BOY!!!?"

"What anonymous blonde boy?"

"Hiya." Roxas said, waving randomly at Zack.

"Oh, THAT random blonde boy. Well, anyway, guys, ALL the doors are blocked, except for the one through the stock area to the store."

"How do you know!?" Cid asked.

"Well, after Cloud resisted my distraction, I got away from the guards and was able to sneak around looking for a way out!" Zack replied.

"Nice." Sephiroth said. "And where is this exit?"

"Just through here!"

So, they all crashed through the door ahead of them, and through the stock area into...

...SAFEWAY!?

"Hang on a minute..." Vincent said, since the other group were in the store too, if you had bothered to read the first scene. They were in a TOTALLY different isle, though. "...Is Safeway even part of WalMart?"

But, for once, Vincent went ignored! LÉ GASPE! Well, maybe because he was just mumbling to himself. BUT STILL!

"Let's see here." Axel said, looking around. "The way into the HQ from here is through the 'stock area'."

So, everyone began looking for the stock area.

"Here's some gravy mix, so the stock must be near." Kadaj said. "OOOH! Here we go! Knorr instant chicken stock!"

The group crowded around, and Kadaj began chucking all the packets of stock off the shelves in hope of finding an entrance to the HQ.

"Wait..." Sephiroth said, stopping.

The others stopped too.

"I sense... Kadaj... And Yazoo. On the other side of the store!" He said.

"They're here!?" Tifa cried. "We have to find them!"

"Yeah, then we can get the hell outta here!" Zack added.

"Ooooh! Discount jerky!" Cid said brightly, to which the others simply rolled their eyes. He got dragged along when they continued on through the isles.

"WHERE ARE WE GOING NOW!!?" Aeris screamed.

"You know, maybe it would be better if she was unconscious?" Sephiroth suggested, tired of his back being beaten at and his front being kicked at.

A metaphorical light bulb quickly appeared over Roxas's head.

"Here!" He said, jumping into the nearby medicine and toiletry isle and coming back quickly with a bottle of Nytol.

"Good thinking kid!" Zack said, snatching the Nytol off him, opening it and shoving it straight into Aeris's mouth.

She kicked and screamed more...

"EWW! Zack, that tastes like--"

...Before it kicked in, and she just went to sleep. Just like THAT.

"That was fast." Tifa blinked.

So, before they caused even more of a scene (since they were causing a pretty big one to begin with), they ran off to find the others.

"Hold on." Kadaj said. "I sense... I sense Sephiroth! He's coming!"

"Me too!" Said Yazoo, pointing to the end of the isle.

Which was when they appeared, and the big group was reunited! YAY! Well, before that, Tifa had Final Heavened and Cid had Highwinded through a large group of people at a Vanish Stain Removal demonstration, and Zack tripped over a collection of packets of toilet paper that hadn't been stacked on the shelves yet, but they were still reunited! YAY!

"We haven't got much time, Cloud's probably got us on a surveillance camera." Sephiroth said. "He could be on us at any time. We've gotta mov--"

"SEPHIROTH!!" Cloud yelled.

Guards began to block each end of the isle.

"Oh, shit." Sephiroth said. He certainly didn't expect THAT to happen!

"Hey, look!" Kadaj said, pushing a button that was behind the last packet of instant stock. "The way into the HQ!"

A doorway suddenly opened from the shelving area.

"WHAT!? HOW DID--" Cloud stuttered.

"It's our only hope!!" Axel cried with a surprising sense of suspense. "LET'S GO!!"

So, everyone piled through the random doorway, and shut it before Cloud and his guards could get to it.

"DAMMIT, there's a five minute timer on that thing!!!" Cloud yelled angrily. "I'm gonna kill the bastard who programmed it!!!!"

"Ummm, sir?" The guard on his left said. "You programmed it."

"WELL!!" Cloud said in a very camp way, flicking his hair. "When I feel emo enough, I shall kill myself!! HMPH!!"

Well, basically, he then began to wait for the timer to end. Because then he could chase after them. Yeah. I know. Pretty stupid of him to put a timer on the door, eh?

------------------------------------------------------------------

Hoooooo boy. Anyway, our reunited gang was racing through the corridor beyond the stock area. To save time, they came to the end, and stopped at a lit up room...

...Which contained Cloud's Airship!

"OOoooh! Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Seph?" Kadaj asked.

"Umm, yeah, we should steal the ship." Sephiroth said blankly.

"...Actually, I was thinking we should go back and get something for lunch, I'm getting kinda hungry..." He said sheepishly. "B-But, I guess we should do what YOU were thinking."

"Bearing in mind that it's actually almost 4PM?"

"HEY! Rub it in my face and I'll tell Mother!"

"Ooooh! Oh, Roxas!!!" Axel said softly, squeezing Roxas close to him. "OH MY DARLING ROXAS! How I have missed you! I'll never let Cloud, no, I'LL NEVER LET **ANYONE **TAKE YOU AWAY FROM ME EVER AGAIN! NEVEREVEREVEREVEREVER! NEVER!"

"Umm, this is the guy I was telling you about." Roxas said, looking over at Tifa.

"Hey, we can't kill him! It's Axel! Everyone LOVES Axel!" Tifa said brightly. "And so should YOU!"

"BITCH!!" He screamed. "WE HAD AN AGREEMENT!

"Well, we didn't know it was Axel! There are exceptions!"

"... ..DAMMIT! DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!"

After a few seconds of checking it out, Cid hopped aboard the Airship.

"HEY, EVERYONE, ON BOARD!!" He yelled.

So, everyone piled aboard.

"Cloud calls her the Oprah Winfrey." Cid said, starting it up. "Makes sense since there's a big picture of her on the hull."

And, sure enough, there was!

"Only Cloud..." Everyone sighed.

As soon as it was fired up, Cid took the wheel and busted the Oprah Winfrey right out of the glass roof.

"Cid, we're heading back for Midgar." Sephiroth said.

But because FF7 Airships are unnecessarily fast (well, they are! It's Junon to Midgar in two seconds, dude!), they were already there.

------------------------------------------------------------------

For my own convenience, I then snapped forward to the group all back at the 7th Heaven.

"Hey, what about Barret? And Loz?" Yazoo asked.

Kadaj shrugged. He didn't really care about either of them. Oh well.

"Hey, look! I took Cait Sith apart!" Reeve said happily.

"Oh yeah. Go to your house and put him back together again." Vincent said.

"OKAY!" Reeve squealed and then did exactly that.

"So, we have Aeris back." Sephiroth said. "But she still only knows canon. And the whole city is becoming morphed to that fan girl's mind."

"Yeah, just about five seconds ago I saw an army of bishounens." Tifa said, looking out of the window and secretly drooling.

Zack put his hand on his chin in a thinking position.

"Hey, well, maybe whoever started this can put it back to normal, if we find out who that is!"

Sephiroth thought back.

"The blast from the Shinra HQ. It came from the floor below the one me and Aeris were on, which is... The Science lab!"

"And we ALL know who works in the Shinra science lab, DON'T we?" Zack grinned.

It took a while to chew over, but, they came to the conclusion that it was...

------------------------------------------------------------------

...HOJO! Well, duh!

Sephiroth, Kadaj and Yazoo had decided to go see their creator and question him about the weird goings on at his house, which was a little way from the center of the Top Plate. But you knew that already.

"Hey, it's three of my six sons." Hojo said, after opening the door.

"Actually, you have about six... Ty sons." Sephiroth corrected him. "Me, and my clones."

"...Oh well. Ever since I've been taking these pills, my mood's been very, very good, but my memory poor, I'm afraid..." Sighed Hojo, shaking a random box of pills that looked like TicTacs but weren't.

"Well, can you tell us what went on with that explosion the other night?" Kadaj asked.

"Oh yes. Well, myself and some other Professors were trying to create Jenova specimen that wouldn't have silver hair, like yourselves. We did it ages ago with the 'Jenooooooooova', shortened to 'Jenüva' Project, but sadly haven't had such luck just using Jenova cells." Hojo explained.

"Shouldn't we have had a say in that?" Yazoo asked.

"NO!!" He snapped back. "Anyway, we ran out of live Jenova cells after Rufus and the Turks somehow 'lost' Jenova's head... Don't ask, they're so stupid... Well, Professor Odine found the numberless specimen: Cloud. During the storm, however, the machine we were using to extract the cells from his dead body malfunctioned, and that's what caused the explosion."

"So, everything went back to being like Cloud remembered it being or desired it to be!" Sephiroth said. "And the fan girl was his psycho creation based on his powers! That explains it! But how do we reverse it?"

"I don't know." Hojo said. "Now leave me alone, and don't come EVER again."

And then he very rudely shut the door on them.

"...Does he REALLY have sixty sons?" Kadaj asked inquisitivley.

"Actually, only... Me." Sephiroth replied. "The rest are clones."

And then started a whole random converastion about these six(ty) clones, as they walked into the sunset back to the 7th Heaven. Blergh.

**BASS IT!**

Okay, short, but sweet, right? I feel like I rushed this, even though I didn't. 

UMMM! GIMME QUESTIONS! PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU!! I BEG! **I BEG!!!! **YOU'VE REDUCED ME TO BEGGING!!!!!!!

Okay, just incase you were wondering... Hojo's sixty (plus) sons: Sephiroth (obviously); Kadaj, Yazoo, Loz and Riku (the four main clones. Riku IS a Jenovite. It's obvious); Even (honestly!!!) and all the other random specimens... Hurhurhur... Yeah...

TTFN, persons! Luv y'all! XxXxX


	10. A Search Commences

**UNDYING PIE 2**

_Undying Pie... That is such a lame title now..._

_...As is this whole chapter... SO VERY TIRED! D_

_Oh dear._

_Ahem._

_(I don't own FF, yadda, yadda, yadda)_

------------------------------------------------------------------

**CHAPTER TEN - A SEARCH COMMENCES**

Back at the 7th Heaven, everyone was trying to think of a way to reverse the effect of Cloud's crazy mind explosion.

"I KNOW!!" Reeve yelled, waving his arms about. "We can use the new super-improved Cait Sith on it!!"

And then, Cait Sith, with a remarkably scary resemblance to The Terminator, walked in.

"BE. GOOD." He boomed.

"I call him... THE SITH!" Declared Reeve, as Star Wars music began to swell in the background.

"...Oooo...Kay." Everyone blinked.

"OH! OH! OH!" Axel said loudly. "I HAVE IT!!"

"You do!?" Everyone else said hopefully.

"YEAH! Well, there was this one time that Marluxia and Larxene tried to dominate the Organization by using Sora as their puppet to destroy my Roxas here, right!?"

But no one followed, as he went rambling on about the Keyblade and stuff like that...

"Well, what I'm trying to say is, we need something of equal strength and ability to counteract it!"

"Axel, you're a genius!!" Tifa gasped, punching her hand with her fist. "That's EXACTLY what we need to do!"

To this, Kadaj began mumbling random stuff under his breath about Axel and Jenova and Mother and Kaa-San. Yeah, I know three of those things are the same. But do I care? No, no I do not!

"But how do we do that?" Asked Sephiroth. "What is of equal strength and ability to Cloud's effect?"

"What about that fan girl that was running around?" Yazoo suggested. "Maybe if we force her, she can counteract it!"

And so, everyone decided that it was the best idea to try to do exactly that. Even if it seemed like suicide, which it certainly did.

------------------------------------------------------------------

"Alright, we gotta split into groups again, kiddos." Cid said, taking charge of the gang alluva sudden.

"Oh! Oh! Superior, can I please be with Roxas!?" Axel asked, immediately jumping towards and taking a defensive stance over Roxas, who sweat dropped instantly.

"Um, sure, and you can take Vincent along with you!"

Axel turned to Vincent quickly.

"HEY VINNIE! WAZZUP!?"

"Guns..." Vincent muttered. "I love GUNS..."

And since that was the only interesting thing that happened during the group forming, let's just proceed to AFTER the group forming...

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So, Sephiroth, armed with his bestest of friends (or not), Zack and Yazoo, set off to find the crazy UltraFan and restore the balance of Midgar. Doy. What else would they do? Which is when they passed Hojo's house again. For some reason. They looked up, and saw that Hojo was on the balcony. So, they decided to ask him for information. So, they climbed up the ladder that was at the side of his house (which I assume was for fire escapes from his home lab. Which he probably spent most of his time in now there wasn't one at Shinra anymore), and then saw that Hojo was lying on a sun bed in his Speedos, wearing a random straw sunhat and holding a random drink with a little random paper umbrella in it.

"Um... What are you doing?" Sephiroth asked, when level with the balcony.

Hojo looked out from under his random sunhat.

"Isn't it obvious? I'm trying to get a tan!"

Yazoo looked up at the sky. Which was black. Because of Cloud and UltraFan's doings and such. I'm sure you get the plot by now...

"But... Don't you think it's a little cold?" He asked, then looking at his thermometer that he just happened to carry around with him. It was, like, seven Celsius...

"Okay, fine, I'm testing my new transition lenses." Hojo said.

Yazoo gave him a quizzical look. His glasses were still plain; they hadn't changed into sunglasses yet.

"But it's... Not sunny."

"Then I've simply decided to get a tan."

"But--"

"NO! No buts!" Hojo snapped.

"B--"

"SHUSH!"

"Umm, we were just wondering if you had seen that crazy fan girl around..." Sephiroth pushed into their small argument.

Hojo began to think.

He took a sip of his drink. And thought some more.

"...No." He said sternly.

"Okay, well, thanks anyway."

Hojo then stood up, and wrapped his lab coat back that was on the back of the sun lounger back around him.

"That's enough sun for today, I think. If you'll excuse me, I have a meeting to attend, so get the HELL OFF OF MY FIRE ESCAPE LADDER AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!"

"Okay." The three chorused, and then slid down the ladder and continued on their ways.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Axel and Roxas and Vincent were searching, too.

"Roxas!" Axel said in a lovey-dovey voice, squeezing Roxas close to him. "Why did you leave the castle? Cloud wouldn't have caught you if you were still there!"

"I needed to get away..." Roxas replied in a distant, free, heroic voice, before switching back to an aggravated teenager-esque mode. "FROM YOU DRUNKEN IDIOTS THAT CALL YOURSELF THE FIRST TWELVE MEMBERS!!!!"

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"I mean that when you all have a LITTLE TOO MUCH to drink, and then Xaldin starts singing about 'his humps, his humps, his lovely lady lumps, in the back and in the front', I NEED TO GET AWAY!!!!!"

"... ...Understandable..." Axel sweat dropped, before turning to Vincent. "Hey, your a vampire, right? Can't you just smell out this fan girl?"

"I am not a vampire. Nor am I a sniffer dog." Vincent replied, somewhere between being stern, and insulted.

"O...kay..." He said.

Suddenly, the PHS rang! And Vincent answered it.

"Yo." Vincent said, trying to be all gangsta-like, innit?

"Hey, Vincent, it's Tifa. Back to the 7th Heaven, we got the fan girl!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

So, everyone was back at the 7th Heaven.

"How!? How did you find her!?" Zack asked in surprise.

"Red caught her scent!" Tifa said proudly, since she had dubbed herself leader of the team that Red XIII was in.

Axel looked over at Vincent, who shrugged. They were both thinking _'Ironic',_ probably.

"NOOOOO!" Screamed UltraFan, trying to struggle out of the ropes she was tied up in. "You CAN'T have caught me!!!!!!"

"Well, you've gotta admit, it WAS pretty easy to capture her..." Sephiroth said uneasily. Like she would burst out at any moment.

Which she SUDDENLY DID! EEEEEEEEEEEEK!

But then - just when everyone began to back away - helpless - a spanner headed towards her and hit her right between the eyes! GASP! She was knocked out! YAY!

Which was when everyone turned to see Reeve stood at the door like some kind of heroic figure.

"I can help!" He squealed. "I know all about your plans and stuff! If this fan girl won't listen to you, I can reprogramme her mind so that she will!"

"Really!?" Everyone gasped.

"YES!!" Reeve said happily, swinging her over his shoulder, and taking her off. "SEE Y'ALL REAL SOON!!"

"Wow, well, anyway, now what?" Zack asked.

"We wait for Aeris to wake up." Tifa replied. "Though, her mind is set to that of Cloud's interpretations, still."

Of course, they could have asked Reeve to reprogramme her's, too, but they agreed to wait until UltraFan would switch everything back to normal.

So, that was when we changed scenes to something ALOT more interesting...

------------------------------------------------------------------

...Hojo's meeting!

...Yay? Is that interesting?

Oh well. I suppose it's going to HAVE to be for now.

"Welcome to the first gathering of our League." Hojo said to the other scientists in the base of 'The League Of Extraordinary Scientists'. If you don't know what it looks like... IMAGINE it! "Alright men. This has gotten out of hand. Our Jenova specimen experiment was a FAILURE. And it's all YOUR fault - Professor Odine!"

Odine waved his arms about randomly.

"HEY! Originally he was YOUR failed Jenova specimen!"

"Ugh, never mind, let's just THINK of something SCIENTIFIC to do whilst the failure goes on controlling Midgar, blah blah blah..." Hojo said, rubbing his forehead.

"Are you alright?" Professor Weetos asked. "Would you like some chocolate?"

"NO - PROFESSOR WEETOS - I AM **NOT **ON MY PERIOD - I AM STRESSED BECAUSE I..." Hojo boomed through gritted teeth. "URGH, maybe I just spent too long in the sun... ANYWAY, as the Eight Scientist Lords, we must now do SOMETHING..."

"Acht!?" Professor German Alien from Lilo and Stitch (yeah, THAT one. I forget his name. Sorry.) said, looking around. "But zer iz only six of uz!"

"I know..." Hojo said, sitting at his place around their table.

He made a gesture towards the empty seat.

"That place is for a member that shall never come..." He said in an angsty tone, before switching right back. "The other is for The Architect. He's busy updating the Matrix."

"So, it's the... SIX Scientist Lords..." Professor Frink said. "FWOY!"

"No, there may be nine, there may be ten, but eight are known to me, WONDERFUL ME!" Hojo rose from his seat. "AS THE LORD OF ALL SCIENTIST LORDS, I DECLARE--"

"Professor Hojo?" Professor (Ross) Gellar squeaked. "Can I use the empty chair as a seat for ChiChi, my dinosaur?"

"...No." Hojo said. "You know what, ANY MORE DINOSAUR CRAP AND I'LL REPLACE YOU WITH A FREAK FROM HALF-LIFE!!!!!"

"Eeeeps!" He whined defensively.

"So, anyhusicles..." Pro-- No, wait, he's not a Professor! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Um... Dist said. Yeah. "Let's just all get in our big smashy robot thingies and GO ON A RAMPAGE!"

"Ah, everyone would expect that..." Weetos said. "Instead, we should go to a cereal factory and make breakfast for everyone around the world!"

"Muahahahaha! YES! BRILLIANT Weetos! We can POISON it!!" Hojo said manically.

"...N-NO!!!" Weetos stuttered.

"Well, it's a WHOLE DEGREE better than sitting around doing nothing here! FWOY!!" Frink said, smartening his bow tie.

So, all the Scientist Lords in the League of Extraordinary Scientists went off to find a cereal factory to make some cereal with. Hojo called his new brand of cereal 'Hoj-Os'. A delicious and nutritious way to start the day, and as Professor Hojo says, it gives your kids 23 percent of their RDA of pure Mako! Soon, they outsold Weetos in this random world that they happened to be in, which really, REALLY pissed Professor Weetos off.

"Mommy!" A little boy said, cutting out the last token from a box of Hoj-Os, and then reading the information on the back. "If I send these tokens, I can get a FREE Professor Hojo doll, made out of the kindness of Professor Hojo's own heart!"

Following which was an asterix, which linked to say 'Dolls made under Professor Hojo's command of long hours of child labour'. Which was in INCREDIBLY small print.

So, they little boy sent the tokens, and then waited, and soon his Hojo doll arrived.

"YAY!" He squealed, ripping the jiffy bag off, revealing the plush Hojo doll. Instantly, he pulled the string with excitement.

"MY PRECIOUS SPECIMEN!!!" It cried.

"YAY!" The little boy squealed again.

Soon, however, he, and many of his friends, and soon pretty much all the children in that world (_wherever _it was) had become an army of Hojo clones, whilst being addicted to their cereal and dolls.

"KUUUUUUAAA!!!!!!" The children constantly yelled. "KUA! KUA! KUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And so, Hojo was taken to court, and everything, and this is where we end this chapter and say...

**BASS IT!**

WHOOOOOOOOOOOO! I GOT QUESTIONS!!! Thank you, **The Third Demi-God**!!!

**1. **Why did Cloud name his Airship the 'Oprah Winfrey'? Yes, I am totally aware that it has a picture of her on the hull, but why?

**ArcBus: **Oprah Winfrey helped Cloud with his issues on national television, and therefore he idolises her as his hero. He didn't want to go to Edea. For obvious reasons.

**2. **Do ANY of the Organization members actually go commando?

**ArcBus: **Probably all of them, actually. For more on the 13th Order, make sure to read the next chapter!

**3. **Where did UltraFan go?

**ArcBus: **She went... Somewhere, before she was caught. I dunno. Probably the Bishounen Store she'd created or something...

Anyway, until next time... I kinda whipped this chapter together quite quickly... Ho well... How about some more questions, eh? (hint, hint)


	11. But I Dye Grass

**UNDYING PIE 2**

_Everybody's favourite disclaimer goes here._

_Let's skiddoodle on._

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ArcBus sat in her room at the Rainbow Saucer, typing this very sentance up on her laptop.

She leaned over to the side, and cracked open a can of diet coke. With great difficulty, might she add.

It tasted inferior to Pepsi Max. But it was the only carbonated soft drink left in her mighty... Saucer.

Anyway, ArcBus began to wonder how to end the second Undying Pie, as she had a rather good idea for the third one. And so, after sipping what tasted like some kind of icky plain old crappy soda water with a HINT of sugary cola flavoured stuff, she ended up thickening her plot with ridiculous mishaps, making jolly good fun of society and the like using Mr. Nomura's characters!

**CHAPTER ELEVEN - BUT I DYE GRASS...**

"Welcome back!"

Axel and Roxas were assigned the task of looking after Aeris at the 7th Heaven, whilst the others went to see Reeve at his workplace to see to the progress of UltraFan's recofiguration. Yeah.

After Aeris woke up on the counter (which seemed to be where most of the people who woke up at the 7th Heaven woke up, ne?), she looked at the two of them quizically.

"Huh? I'm back at the 7th Heaven..." She said, before recognizing Roxas. "Hey, you're from the WalMart! Anonymous Blonde Boy!"

"...Roxas." He said.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Roxas."

"Excuse me?"

"Roxas."

"Pardon?"

"Roxas."

Aeris looked at Axel. She already knew _his_ name. Hell, she already KNEW him! EVERYONE knows Axel. He's legendary. Lots of people - perhaps too many people - know and love Axel. Probably because he's so much like Reno. But still! Booyah.

"Axel. That's a funny word he's saying."

Axel laughed, and started squeezing Roxas like he was a plushie. (cough)sexplushie(cough).

"That's his name! This is Roxas!"

"Ah! Roxas! Roku! As in, AkuRoku, right!?"

"Yeah!"

Roxas mumbled something about 'those Goddamn yaoi fans' under his breath, before Axel put him down.

"So, Aeris, we've got some time to kill until the others come back from whatever they're doing. Which probably isn't what they're supposed to be. They're probably off on a random adventure running errands for someone who might have vital information on how to obtain their objective. Like in every RPG EVER... Anyway... What do you want to do?" Axel asked promptly.

Aeris thought for a little while.

"Hmmm... I'm not sure..." She said, putting her finger to her chin thoughtfully.

"Axel." Roxas said, nudging him in the arm. "You need to return to the Castle... To, you know..."

"I know what?" Axel asked, not quite catching on.

"Get your 'special medicine'." He replied, highlighting the 'special medicine' part with his fingers in an inverted comma movement. You know what I mean.

"Ohhhhh..."

There was a long pause as he caught on, before Axel opened up a random swirly black portal and disappeared.

"I'll be back soon!"

Roxas glanced up at Aeris. Once again, he was stood with a woman over the age of twenty that he was of an inappropriate height to be stood next to. His eye level was, indeed, right at her rack!

"Umm... So, Aeris." He said, trying to ignore the aformentioned irritation, and trying to speak to her without the unease of it. However, he seemed to be met with a very, VERY odd smile from her.

And then...

...THEN...

Aeris let out the loudest 'AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW' in the history of this fic!

To which Roxas backed off, slightly scared. Well, actually, pretty damn scared! Aeris began approaching him as he did so.

"You. Are. Soooo. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!!!!!" She squealed. "You look just like a little chibi Cloud!!!!!"

"I do?" He said, cocking an eyebrow and then looking in a random compact mirror that he just happened to carry around with him. "... ... ...I _DO_!!!!!"

"Awwww! Well now!!" Aeris said, in a swooning old lady manner. "Let's go out somewhere, and we can link arms, just like Cloud and I do all the time!"

And so, she pulled him in close, and paraded out with him at her side, his arm linked in hers, and his head... In an inappropriate position.

"Aaaaa!!" He pined quitely. "M-Memories... ... ...A-All flooding back! F-F-First meeting with Larxene!!!! Gaaaaah!!!!!!!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

So, Aeris began on her trip around the accursed Midgar with little Roxas at her side. Soon, the two of them reached the Wall Market.

Yes, I realise at this stage it is difficult to know whether I've slipped up with a typing error and confused you. So. I mean the Wall Market in Midgar, in the slums, the CRAZY place with all the crazy pervy people. Not the obscure shopping outlet that Cloud owns in this story.

"OOOH! OOOOOH! Roxas!!" Aeris yelled, pulling him towards the nearby dress shop window. "You would look SO cute in this little dress!!!!"

"Ummm... Thanks, but no thanks." Roxas said. "Been there. Done that. Never going back."

"Oh, not just a cute little pair of doll shoes to match your cute little coat you're wearing?" She enquired hopefully.

He shook his head in negation. "We already tried doll shoes with our cloaks. They look awful."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Oh... Well, how about a little ribbon in your hair?"

"No! NO! NOOO! Not the ribbons! PLEASE NO!!"

Aeris paused.

"Well..." She said. "If I can't dress you up, what can we do?"

"Umm... Well... I like brooding music..." Roxas decided. "Let's go to that HMV over there!"

"Where?" Aeris asked, since she had never seen a HMV in Midgar before. Not even a little dog with his head in a something-o-phone!

But, sure enough, there was a small one on the Wall Market, just next to the Honeybee Inn. So, they went inside.

Inside there was loud music playing and very colourful lights in the darkness, and rows upon rows of CDs, DVDs and the like. It was just like a HMV!

...Which it actually happened to be. Yay!

If you've never been in a HMV before, it's basically like a rave, but you can buy CDs and DVDs there. And there's hardly ANYONE raving.

Roxas went straight for the CDs that were labled 'Rock', and scoured for his depressing music. Aeris followed.

Soon, he felt her tap on his shoulder.

"Roxas!!" Aeris said, just as he found the Evanescence section. "Look!!"

He looked in the direction she had referred him to.

And there, bopping along (or what you might want to call dancing BADLY) with a set of headphones that were attached to the music player on the wall on, was Axel.

As they walked up to him, they realised he was singing along to the music. Badly.

"_THIS AIN'T A CITY - IT'S A GOLF DARE ARSE FACE! THIS AIN'T A SEA - IT'S A GOLF DARE ARSE FACE! THIS AIN'T A CITY - IT'S A GOLF DARE ARSE FACE! I'M NOT SURE I'LL FLY ON, BUT I DYE GRAASSSSS!!!!!_"

Roxas looked over at Aeris, who had a massive sweatdrop.

"You think this is bad..." He said. "You should have seen his attempt at 'Numa Numa'."

"_I'M THE LEADING MAAAAN..."_

At that very second, the wall on the far side of the store EXPLODED, and from the rubble, out ran Balthier. Yes. That _DASHING SKY PIRATE _dude from FF12.

"WHO SAID THE'YRE THE LEADING MAN!?" He roared, flinging his gun about. "IIIII'M THE LEADING MAN!!!!!!!"

He was shortly followed by Fran, who whacked him over the head with a metal bar, and then dragged him out by the hole they had left in the wall.

"Please excuse us..." She said, before they were both out of sight, and out of their cameo time.

"_AND I'M ALSO EVIL - ALSO INTO CAAATS! ALSO INTO CAAAAAAAAAAATS!!!"_ Axel continued to sing, before he spotted the other two. He took his headphones off. "Oh, hey guys! Fall Out Boy's new album! Isn't it AWESOME!!?"

"Did you get your 'special medicine'?" Roxas asked, doing the finger gestures again.

"Nope!" Axel replied. "This place distracted me!"

Roxas sighed. "I'll go get it for you."

And then, he disappeared in a random crazy swirling portal.

"Aeris!!!" Axel said perkily.

"Wow, for someone without a heart... I think..." Aeris said, having to check back a little on that. "...You're kinda happy."

"Well, I guess!" Axel giggled oddly, making Aeris wonder if this behaviour was what his 'special medicine' was to prevent. "Hey, so, what do you want to do?"

"Roxas asked me that. And I wanted to dress him up, but he wouldn't let me." She replied. "So, since I don't really want to do much, we should just head back to the 7th Heaven."

"Urrr... Okay..."

And with that pointless excercise out of the way, we return to...

------------------------------------------------------------------

...The 7th Heaven!

No one else was back yet, so Axel and Aeris were just stood on the top of the 7th Heaven, near where the angel is in AC, since the world was kinda warped so the 7th Heaven was part of the way between the FFVII one and the AC one. Odd, I know.

They were eating Butterfingers, and awaiting Roxas's return.

"Hey! This Butterfinger! It's really buttery!" Axel said, ripping off his scene with Roxas in KH2FM.

"Yeaah..." Aeris said slowly.

And so, they waited, and they discussed random things like pie and baked goods. Because Aeris really hasn't brought that up lately.

Soon, Roxas appeared, and handed Axel a packet of some kind of medication.

"Hey, question!" He said. "Do Saïx's hips lie?"

"No." Axel replied promptly.

"HA!" Roxas said in a cocky manner, putting his hands on his hips victoriously. "Xigbar owes me 200 munny!! HA HA!!"

"Oh?" He enquired, wondering what had gone on back home at their Castle. "What's been happening?"

"I didn't catch up much. All I know is there's some kind of alcohol related karaoke going on, and Demyx is Fagalicious."

"Surely you mean 'Fergalious'?" Aeris asked.

"No. Fagalicious."

"...What do you mean by 'Fagalicious'?"

"You don't want to know." Roxas said, accompanied by a sharp nod of confirmation from Axel. "Trust me."

"Alright." Aeris said.

And then, THEN...

...The air went cold...

...The sky went darker than it was already (since the slums were kinda Edge now, and they could see the sky. DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT SCENERY COMPLICATIONS!!!!)...

...And the three of them froze.

Boom.

Boom.

Boom.

Boom.

There were BOOMING noises.

Numerous dark shadows began to appear over the 7th Heaven.

And...

...As they turned around...

...They saw four huge fearsome nightmarish monsters towering over them. But, they hadn't seemed to have wrecked anything in their paths. Yes, that's the first oddity I must point out. Because... With insertion of drum roll here... The four monsters were made of DARKNESS - and NOTHING else - and therefore were GLOOMY and BROODY and MEAN (but looked really furry!). One was a giant furry (well, feathery) BIRD of DARKNESS. One was a giant furry WOLF of DARKNESS. One was a giant furry PANDA of DARKNESS, and the final and giant furry OCTOPUS of DARKNESS. Insert self-created scary noises here, if you wish.

They didn't roar. Nor did the three on the rooftop look at all scared of them.

Oddly enough.

"Urrrmm... Hey..." The wolf said in a very sad tone. "We're here to kill AVALANCHE, and bring someone named 'Aeris' to Cloud. He sent us."

"I'm Aeris." Aeris (well, who ELSE!?) said. "Does Cloud want me back? Ahhh..."

"NO! WAIT! You CAN'T take Aeris!" Roxas said, remembering his clear orders from Tifa and Sephiroth to make sure Aeris was safe.

"It's not like we have a choice!" The bird whined.

"You all look so sad!" Aeris said in a worried tone.

"We are! We're really sad fragments of darkness!" The panda said.

"How can fragments of darkness be sad?" Roxas asked, kinda being able to answer his own question there since he was a Nobody and all. But, his question went ignored...

Axel thought for a little while on this subject, before snapping his fingers.

"Hey, if we cheer you up, will you not take Aeris?"

"No..." The octopus said, scratching the back of his head with a TENTACLE of DARKNESS. "We kinda REALLY need to take her..."

"Awww, hey, c'mon!!" He said happily, before jumping around to the tune of 'Shiny Happy People' that suddenly started playing in the background, and then singing along. _"FURRY HAPPY MONSTERS LAUGHIN--"_

"AXEL!!!!" Roxas snapped, cutting off Axel's singing and the music. "THIS ISN'T A MUSICAL!!!! Take your medicine and STOP BEING JUMPY!!!!!!"

"Okay..." Axel said shyly. "Oh, I'd do ANYTHING for YOU, Roxas!!"

Roxas rolled his eyes, and turned back to Aeris.

"It's okay. I need to go to Cloud anyway." Aeris said, walking towards the MONSTERS of DARKNESS.

And so, the MONSTERS of DARKNESS (capitals are for effect, EFFECT DAMMIT!!!) took Aeris off.

Axel and Roxas remained silent, as everything went slightly brighter, and the sky cleared up slightly, after they had left. They then exchanged glances.

"We screwed up." Axel said.

"Big time." Roxas added.

"We screwed up big time."

"That we did."

And then, there was a long, LONG pause.

"... ... ..."

"... ... ..."

"...So, now we're alone and all..." Axel began.

"NO."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, Cloud, a few chapters ago, said he would kill himself when he felt emo enough.

The only thing stopping him when he actually DID feel emo enough was that he was already dead! He was just a spirit body! Like an Unsent!

So, now he was even more depressed!

"Awww..." He whined, whilst sitting in his big chair in a big room of his mansion, holding his big sword at his side (yes people, he IS compensating). "My plan is RUINED! I'm a terrible bad guy! It's all Square's fault for making me good in the first place!!! Argh... The only thing that could make me happy now is... Aeris!"

And then, just like that, through the magic of the depressed FRAGMENTS of DARKNESS known as the MONSTERS of DARKNESS, Aeris popped through the ceiling.

"AERIS!" Cloud squealed with excitement.

"Oh, Cloud! Hello there!" She said, waving.

"AERIS! AERIS! AERIS!!!!" He cried, almost hyperventalating.

"...CLOUD! CLOUD! CLOUD!!!!" She immitated.

And then, Cloud began to walk in dramatic slow motion towards her, as wonderful music began to swell in the background, and...

**BASS IT!**

Yeah, the big scary monsters were supposed to have more of a random plot there... Axel was supposed to sing ALL of the Furry-Happy-Monsters song. YAY MUPPETS!

ANYHOO! Question time! And I've gotten LOTS of questions!

**The Third Demi-God:**

**1. **Shouldn't Vexen be in the League of Extraordinary Scientists?

**ArcBus: **Well, that will be explained in UP3 (yes, there's really going to be a third!!!). It's not like, you know, he's not gonna be in the fic... Because, you know, I'm, uuhhh... I'm not holding him captive as my man-bitch at the Rainbow Saucer or anything! (shifty eyes) ...Or, you know, forcing him to make constant yaoi with Demyx... Because, you know, I'm not a pervy yaoi fan or anything...

**2. **And doesn't Hojo try to get a tan in his labcoat? A Hojo in speedos is even scarier than a regular Hojo.

**ArcBus: **Of course it's scarier. UP is designed to twist and frighten in a humourous way. So Hojo wears speedos. YEAH-YEAH! xD

**3. **Can I get directions to the Bishounen Store?

**ArcBus: **Find Silent Street in Edge. Go down; on the first fork turn right. It's down there. But hurry, because it won't be there for very long!

**1wngdngl:**

**1. **First, where is Odine from? I /know/ I've heard of him before...

**ArcBus: **Odine is the scientist that lives in Esthar in Final Fantasy 8.

**2. **Second, was it you who originally came up with Hoj-o's?

**ArcBus: **For the record and disclaimer, no, I didn't. But I really, really, REALLY wish I had some Hoj-Os... Or some Ichig-Os... Preferably the latter!

**Soultail Omega-Light:**

**ArcBus: **To answer both questions (How do you get the Lilo and Stitch scientist; How do you make Hojo an emo?)... SIMPLE! The power of IMAGINATION, of course! xD

**Tishannia: **Why do you like questions so much?

**ArcBus: **Because I like giving answers!

**PhoenixHelix: **(I've already said, yes, you are soon to be in the next chapter! xD)

**CRAPTASTIC AVENGER (How the HECK did you come up with that name!?):**

**1. **Why did you choose Wal-Mart. Are you aware that Wal-Mart is controlled by aliens?

**ArcBus: **(points accusingly at **1wngdngl**)

**2. **Which freak from Half-Life?

**ArcBus: **...Is that the wrong game!? NOES!!!

**3. **And who in the world is Professor Weetos?

**ArcBus: **Professor Weetos is the guy who makes Weetos. Like Coco Monkey makes Coco Pops, Tony the Tiger makes Frosties, and Gay Bird makes Gay Cheerios, better known as Froot Loops.

SO, THAT'S ALL FOR NOW, GAAIIIZZZ!

I luffles you all, keep reviewing, and prepare for the final chapter of UP2!

ARCY OUT!!


	12. A Very Simple Ending

**UNDYING PIE 2**

_This is the last chapter. All you're getting until Undying Pie 3. Lol._

_I disclaim... All copyrighted things... Yaaa..._

_Let's go!_

------------------------------------------------------------------

**CHAPTER TWELVE - A VERY SIMPLE (AND STUPID) ENDING**

Hojo cleared his throat.

"Ahem. Welcome to the second meeting of the League Of Extraordinary Scientists. As the Eight..."

He counted the numbers of members present.

"...Seven Scientist Lords that are present, it is OUR responsibility to protect the ORDER of this Universe so that we can wreck havoc upon it ourselves!!"

"So now we're back on track getting rid of the failure?" Weetos asked.

"Yes." Hojo replied.

"No more cereal?"

"No. I got taken to court for it. And it's all your FAULT. Asswipe." Hojo groaned. "Anyway, I figured there is only one way we can defeat the failure."

"How?" The others asked in perfect sync. Nerds...

"By unlocking our united power... The power to defeat anything in our way - We can destroy the failure!"

"Really?" The others asked in perfect sync. Again. Nerds...

"Yes." Hojo confirmed. "However, we are short of one member..."

He then turned angsty again, just like he had done in previous chapters.

"...AND WITHOUT THAT MEMBER, WE CANNOT CALL ON OUR UNITED POWER!!!!! And also, German Alien Scientist and Ross, we're throwing you out, sorry."

"WHAT!? WHY!?" German Alien and Ross said in perfect sync. Nerds...

"Because you prove useless, and annoying, and we require USEFUL Extraordinary Scientists." Hojo said. "Dist, if you'd like to do the honours?"

"Certainly!" Dist said happily, and then removed a gun, and fired a shot into GA's head, and then did the same to Ross. They both died instantly. Hahahaha.

"Ahem, thank you." Hojo continued. "Now, let's go get the other three members!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

But what Hojo didn't know was that 'member' was now slang for penis. How inappropriate...

Anyway, meanwhile, our favourite gang of protagonists were heading up to Cloud's mansion, after Axel and Roxas had quickly gone to find them and told them how Aeris had been kidnapped... AGAIN! Axel had lied, and said he and Roxas did EVERYTHING they could to save her, but it proved hopeless due to the four giant crazy MONSTERS OF... WHATEVER!

"OBJECTION!!!!!!!" Sephiroth Wright, Ace Attorney yelled, slamming the front door of Cloud's mansion open with his foot.

"BUH!!!?" Cloud said in a dumb manner, as he sat in a chair in his adorable little reception area, consisting of two little armchairs and a couch set around a wooden coffee table, in front of a wonderful, large, fiery fireplace.

"OOOOOH! FIRE!" Axel said in excitement, but went ignored.

Aeris, who was sat in the other armchair, squealed loudly, and jumped into Cloud's lap. "CLOUD! IT'S SEPHIROTH! HE'S COME TO KILL ME!"

Sephiroth stared at them, and let a huge sweat drop fall down his face.

"UltraFan, go, just... Turn everything back to normal!" He groaned, twitching.

"Do we still have our deal?" UltraFan asked as she stepped forward.

Sephiroth nodded, to which she squeaked, "Ooooh! Goody!!!"

Cloud stood up quickly with a yelp, causing Aeris to ungracefully fall right into the table. He looked down at her, and rolled his eyes.

"Aeeeeeris!!!!" He pined. "That's a vintage wooden coffee table!!!"

Aeris shook her head, as Cloud drew the Omega Weapon (since Zack had gotten the Buster Sword back), and launched himself forward towards the group.

"UltraFan!!!!!" He yelled. "What are you doing!!!!!?"

"Sephiroth-sama promised to go on a date with me if I made everything like it was before!!!!" She beamed. "All the fics will return to FF-dot-net, and you'll go back to your bitterly cold grave!!! The crazy apocalypse of crossovers will stop, and everything will be good again!!!!!!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cloud shouted. "DON'T DO IT, ULTRAFAN!!!!!! _**I **_AM YOUR MASTER!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO..."

And, as Cloud began ranting, Zack prodded Sephiroth on the shoulder and whispered, "You agreed to go on a date with her?"

"Just watch." He whispered back.

"NOW, I WILL RESTORE THE BALANCE OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!" UltraFan screamed like the Mary-Sue she is.

All the lights in the room dimmed, and she began to create a giant ball of energy, when suddenly...

------------------------------------------------------------------

...The scene changed!!! Oh noes...?

Hojo had decided to return to his lab at home, before departing on his quest for the remaining members of the League of Extraordinary Scientists.

"Now let's see..." He mumbled to himself. "If I find those other two members, I just need--"

He suddenly paused in shock. There, in the middle of his lab, stood a male teenager, leaning over his latest experiment.

There was a tingly crash, as a test tube slipped from the young man's fingers. Hojo twitched in surprise... And anger.

"Who the Goddamn hell ARE YOU!!!!!?" He snapped.

"I'm Sparda." The teen replied.

_'This is madness!!!!!'_

_'No, this is SPARDA!!!!!!!!!!' _Those random 300 guys bellowed in the background.

"WHY ARE YOU HERE!!!!!?"

"I... Uhh... Was interested in this very expensive test tube, here!!" Sparda replied. "Although, I kinda dropped it, and it smashed..."

Hojo twitched more. "YOU IMBECILE!!! THAT WAS MY MOST PRECIOUS AND EXPENSIVE TEST TUBE!!!!!!!!!! WHY THE _**HELL **_WOULD **YOU **NEED TO BE INTERESTED IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?"

"Well, see, I don't have a test tube to upgrade my Guitar Sword, so..."

"...WHAT!!!?"

"Well, you know how in FF8, ridiculous items like 'turtle shells' are needed to upgrade weapons?"

"...I see... BUT, THAT WAS STILL **MY **TEST TUBE, AND YOU BROKE IT!!!!!"

Sparda begun to walk off past Hojo. "Yeah, well, sorry Gramps, but it's water under the bridge, as they would say..."

But, before he could exit the lab, Hojo grabbed his shoulder.

"Ooooooh no!" He smirked. "You're not going ANYWHERE until I get my repayment for that test tube!"

Sparda frowned.

"Urm... Well, how can I pay you back...?" He asked.

"You will work for me and the LOES!" Hojo cackled, causing Sparda to frown further.

"...That doesn't sound good!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

And, in all honesty, it probably wasn't.

"Now, everyone of a lower calabour than me, as I am the High Priest of Extraordinary Science..." Hojo began to rant. "As you know, we need to find three outstanding members of LOES. But, you must be warned - Two of these members - One a new recruit I have traced through many documents in an efficiently short amount of time, and another the member that I said would never come and then got angsty and emo over - are highly... Erm... Different to us..."

"They're not scientists?" Weetos asked.

"No, of course they are!!" Hojo snapped. "How do I put this...? They're more... Like Dist than the rest of us."

Everyone turned their heads to look at Dist, who shifted uncomfortably.

"They're both (ergo)... Effeminate?" The Architect, who had only just made his appearance now, asked.

"Hmm... You're warm." Hojo replied.

"Why thank you. I do have a relatively high body temperature. Concordidly." Said the Architect, causing Hojo to roll his eyes and shake his head.

"Nevermind. But, before we set out, here is our Cabin Boy."

Hojo indicated to Sparda, who wasn't looking too pleased with his new, erm, position.

"On our journey, he will serve as map holder, drink holder, and holder of anything else, except for test tubes. Do not let the boy touch the Goddamn test tubes!!"

And so, the six remaining Scientist Lords - Hojo, Weetos, Frink, Dist, Odine and the Architect - equipped with their 'Cabin Boy' Sparda and lots of useful goods that Scientist Lords would need - set off on their magical, mystical journey to find new Scientist Lords in hope of unlocking a joint power between them that could reverse the effects of their failure...

------------------------------------------------------------------

...Of course, what they didn't realise was that their failure was already reversed, thanks to the true heroes of this story! WOOHOO!!!!

"CLOUDO!!!!!!!!" UltraFan roared, CHARGIN HER LAZAH!!!!! (Or, you know, just powering up). "In bishounen quality, you could NEVER HOLD A CANDLE TO SEPHY!!!!!!!!"

Cloud stared blankly at her.

"...Well, this isn't good for my self-esteem..." He said, before attempting to slit his wrist with his sword.

And then, UltraFan SHOOP DA WHOOP'D!!!!!!!!!!! And before he knew it, Cloud was engulfed in UltraFan's wrath and sent back to the Lifestream, screaming his emo head off. Oh, the cliché!

"YAY!!!!" Everyone cheered, for Cloud was finally DEAD!!!!!!

"Hey, Sephiroth!" Aeris said, happily, just walking up to him as normal. "What are we doing here? Last thing I remember, Tifa said something was up, so we headed out to the 7th Heaven."

She seemed to have lost her entire memory of most of the duration of this story! As the author, I don't know whether to be happy... Or rather insulted!

Sephiroth scratched the back of his neck uneasily. "Yeeeahh... It's a long story, and perhaps it's best that you don't know!"

"Here's an idea!" Cid said, lighting up a cigarette. "Maybe we can all go back to the 7th Heaven now, and Tifa can make us all some Goddamn tea!"

And then, everyone shared a long, hearty Scooby-Doo style laugh.

Cid just stared gormlessly at them. "What...? I was being SERIOUS!!!!"

And so, every--

"HEY! HEY! Miss Author Person!!!" UltraFan said loudly. "Before you start with the 'And so they all went home happily' crap, I need to arrange my date with Sephy!!!!!!!"

...And so, Reeve appeared, gave a quick hello, and then took a kicking and screaming (and USED and BETRAYED) UltraFan back to wherever he was planning on going to do whatever he planned on doing with her.

And so, everyone went back to the 7th Heaven, happy that Cloud was very easily defeated, and that finally the Author could take a break before the start of Undying Pie 3!

"Hey, wait a minute..." Kadaj said, being hit by a wave of suspiciously suspecting suspicion.

He looked over at Roxas, who was sat drinking tea like a good boy. "Roxas, where the hell is Anvil?"

"Axel." Roxas corrected dully. "And, I actually don't know..."

And, so, nobody (hahahahahahahahahahaha, gettit!?) knew where Axel was. Which was a shame, really. Or WAS it?

Well, even if the world was probably not safe for very long, everyone learned a valuable lesson from these turns of events.

"Well..." Sephiroth said. "Even if the world probably still isn't safe for very long, I've learned a valuable lesson - Fandoms should NEVER be the basis of any world, no matter how appealing they are."

"I've learned a valuable lesson too!" Aeris said perkily, taking out a notepad and writing on it. "And that's to remember stuff that I've done after I've apparently suffered from amnesia!"

"I've learned that the moon isn't scary - In fact, it can be rather enjoyable!" Vincent added, slightly out of character.

"I've learned that now Loz is presumed dead - the initials of the SHM names spell 'SKY!'" Kadaj contributed.

"I've learned that being cool just ISN'T worth it!" Barret said for no... Apparent reason, except to fit in. Spot the blatant irony there!

"I've learned that nothing reminds me of my first time like seeing a girl crying!" Reeve said, earning an awkward silence.

"Well, I've learned nothing." Roxas said, breaking the chain. "I still don't know who I am, where my heart is, why the Keyblade chose me... I don't even know when Axel--"

And, as Roxas continued to ramble about his depressing state of mind, this is where our dear fic of epic failure, misfortune, bad fandoms and a LOT of yaoi draws itself to an end.

**BASS IT!**

FINALLY! IT'S OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

(huge sigh of relief)

Leave me some questions, please? Lulz...

Going now am I... To read yaoi am I...

Luff and fluff! And look out for my Org XIII HoND parody!

TOODLE-OO!

--ArcBus


End file.
